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So Kick Me in the Teeth, I Still Like BlackBerry

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Newspapers and broadcasters are preparing obituaries for RIM. The Blackberry apocalypse is nigh. Treatments vary. One uses a mocked up headline graphic of the company logo, crossing out the M and inserting a P.

Another will simply say BlackBerried! Phonemaker RIM is dead. The posh papers will echo the sentiment, using way more words, including some rather large, unnecessary ones that wouldn't fit on an iPad, let alone a smartphone screen.

The Will it Blend? guy will trade his white lab coat for an undertaker's garb to execute one last mournful flick of the switch, reducing a beautiful Bold 9900 to a small pile of ashes.

And he'll utter a terminally cheesy sign-off over his ill-chosen background track The End, by the Doors...

"Yes, folks, sadly, all good things must come to a blend," he'll say with an ironic smile to make you glad your BlackBerry screen isn't big enough for watching YouTube videos.

BlackBerry just can't seem to waken from its own nightmare.

Trolls and haters are in their element right now, wishing BlackBerry a quick demise and cursing anyone brave enough to defend them.

On Twitter, some act like vicious British football fans celebrating the demotion of their most hated rival team.

2012-07-02-blackberrytweet.jpg

Nothing illustrates this better than a pair of tweets I saw last week, the first saying "I still love you, @Blackberry", and the second below it: "If you chose a BlackBerry over an iPhone you need a kick in the teeth".

But if the worst was to happen to RIM, Blackberries would still go on working. And people would still be clicking away on the handset the next morning, emailing on the train, unconcerned whether the new operating software is 10 months or 10 years away.

I won't repeat the figures of RIM's decline here, we know things are looking very grim. They look worse than the worst ratings for the worst TV show EVER. And we're talking Big Brother's Little half Brother, presented by Gary Glitter and Fred West.

But whatever the markets, analysts and morons who want to kick Blackberry owners in the teeth say, RIM's loyal customers are unmoved.

There is a huge disconnect between the voices of doom bemoaning the financials on the one hand, and the owners who will love Blackberry forever on the other.

The Bold and the Curve will become the mobile equivalent of much-loved vintage sports cars which have long since gone out of production.

"They don't make them like this anymore," you can imagine a collector saying, as he caresses the keys, wistfully remembering the first time he fired someone by text.

For dedicated users, there is simply no substitute for the BlackBerry keypad, so carefully sculpted that even a sausage-fingered farm hand can type accurately at 30 words a minute.

Last week journalist and broadcaster Piers Morgan spoke for many in his profession when he Tweeted that someone must save RIM, because he can't do without his BlackBerry.

Of my colleagues at a recent leaving do, for every iPhone user, there were eight BlackBerry owners. Most just don't like using a touchscreen for typing. And what else is a phone for!

From Presidents and Prime Ministers to footballers and Wags and millions in between, BlackBerry is still the daily survival tool of choice.

But, if the market says NO, not even this impressive army of influential fans will be able to save its former tech-God maker.

The only strategy is to start collecting. Now. Someone switches to an iPhone? Take their old unwanted BlackBerry off them.

See one going cheap at a dodgy-looking market stall? Buy it.

Look, there's a baby gurgling over one. Steal it. See a hoodie hunched over his? Offer him any amount of crack in exchange. Borrow as many as you can to "make emergency calls", and run off with them.

Just build your stash, quickly.

Get good-as-new shiny ones to pose with and save scratched ones for spare parts, ready to feed the cottage industry that will spring up dedicated to refurbishing and reconditioning handsets.

Keep them in a safe and secret place ready for when that awful day comes.

Because, sadly, it can't be far away.

DISCLAIMER: This article contains exaggeration and hyperbole and is not intended in any way to incite crime or violence. BBM was not mentioned to avoid BlackBerry phones being wrongly linked to last Summer's British riots. Piers Morgan was not harmed in any way during the writing of this feature because of his unwavering support for Blackberry, despite the opportunity to jokingly compare his CNN ratings with the decline of RIM. Piers Morgan is 47.

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