10 Things All Men Should Know About Women

19/09/2016 13:23

We are educated on the difference between men and women from an early age. John Gray taught us that 'women are from Venus, men are from Mars' - a fact later backed up by Bananarama and that revolutionary Geri Halliwell single, Bag It Up.

But just in case lyrics, such as, "I like midnight, it's when I'm in the mood, he likes the morning 'cos that's when he's rude" haven't cleared it all up for you, I've put together a list of the top 10 things all men should know about women.

1. MI6 has nothing on our investigative capabilities


If your girl ever asks, "who is she?" - you're better off not lying, because she already knows who she is, where she lives, where she works, how many cats she has, her mothers maiden name and her national insurance number.

2. What we say, isn't always what we mean


If you bail on your plans with her to hang out with the lads and she responds with the message, "Ok, have fun" - do NOT have fun. We may not remember where we left our keys, but we do have a hyperthymesitic memory when it comes to your fuck ups.

Should you take this literally and actually enjoy yourself, you will be reminded of this moment every time you get drunk, accidentally look in the general direction of another woman, forget to buy her a birthday card or refuse to go to the shop at 11pm to buy her wine.

3. If you're dating her, you're also dating her friends


Her friends are solely responsible for how she looks on your dates, they ghost-write her text messages, they've seen your Snapchat's, they know all about that fit Lucy bird at work, and their opinions of you matter. To quote the female voice of our generation, the Spice Girls, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." (Not literally)

4. We don't like being ignored, whether accidentally or on purpose


If you don't respond, we will assume you've run away with fit Lucy from work to start a new life in the Dominican Republic, with your five illegitimate children. *Oh no wait, false alarm, he's just texted back*

5. We don't respond well to catcalling


If you shout at us from a moving vehicle, it's unlikely that we will chase after said vehicle like a rabid dog, leap through the window, land in your lap and start reciting lines from Shakespeare's Sonnet 88. Just saying.

6. You need to make time for us


We don't want much; just your time, undivided attention, keys, passwords, penis, phone, money, penis, heart, penis, life and soul. We also want space. Good luck figuring that one out.

7. Shoes are to women, as beer is to men


You have your job, friends and beer. We have our job, friends, wine, tequila, makeup, weave, jewellery, clothes, bags and shoes.

You do not have to understand her obsession with shoes. You do however, need to respect that she looks at them in the same way that you look at porn.

8. Never get in-between us and carbs


Yes we may be on a diet and it may be 'no carbs before marbs,' but you will be opening yourself up to an untold amount of violence if you get in-between us and 5 Domino's pizzas, 2 sides of nachos, BBQ wings, boneless chicken, garlic bread, potato skins, and potato wedges. We will then uncontrollably sob into our garlic and herb dip, because you allowed for this to happen.

9. We have a hereditary love of cushions


From the moment we're extracted from our mother's womb, we develop an indissoluble attachment to cushions. We may have more than what is deemed useful, but the truth is, we enjoy strategically placing them over 85% of any resting platform, and seeing how frustrated you get at having to remove our elaborate foam based display, every time you want to sit down.

10. There is no such thing as 'effortlessly' beautiful


It's a widely known fact that women take an unfathomable amount of time getting ready to go out. You may think we have gone for the effortless and natural look, but we actually ordered our outfit three weeks ago on ASOS, and have spent the past five hours shaving, tweezing, moisturising, tanning, nail painting, hair dyeing, hair curling and face painting.

This is why 'fine' will never be an acceptable answer to 'How do I look?'