If Twitter trends are an insight into the mind of its users then I fear that we are a mass of witless, sexist, racist, sycophantic celebrity stalkers who do nothing but watch reality TV and third rate children's films.
Recently trends like #camdinewithme and #creepingsharia have restored my faith in the mob, unfortunately these are too often punctuated by the inanity below.
#hellomonday or #goodbyemarch
As if the passing of time isn't depressing enough there are those who seek to rub our impending deaths into our collective face. No Monday, Friday or new month can pass without being noted by those too young to understand this only signals the further disintegration of my shattered body.
The Sexist Trend
If I ever want to know #howtoshutyourwomanup or what #stupidstuffmensay I can always refer to the collective wisdom of the twitter playground. Setting gender politics back to the Stone Age these trends are a repository of lazy stereotypes.
Justin Bieber fans, 'Beliebers' as they like to be known, are, being teenagers, the most navel-gazing sycophants in the word. When not bickering with the equally pubescent One Direction fans they like trend dreary sentiments about their beige hero. Beliebers can declare their pride in Master Bieber for the smallest of achievements. Wiping his own bum without the help of his mother is enough to elicit the adoration of Cult of Bieber.
This will all end badly when the perky Canadian is found dead of an overdose in a Bangkok brothel and a spiked Kool Aid based mass suicide of his followers ensues.
The Racist Trend
When the barrel feels like it can't be scraped no more there is always the racist trend. I believe #whatblackguyslike is what Martin Luther King had in mind when he dreamt of people not being "judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character."
If you want to replace a word in a film title or a One Direction song with pineapple, goat or table this is the trend for you. Unlike the funny and clever pun based trends this requires absolutely no wit or thought and is consequently neither funny or clever.
The Obscure IT Convention Trend.
'Oh look, #NMMC12 is trending, you haven't heard of it? It the New Media Message Convention 2012, of course.'
With Web 2.0 came IT Hipster Douche 2.0 gathering to discuss the future of social media revenues streams. So interesting are these glorified industry conventions that, rather than paying attention, they promptly spend all day telling everyone on twitter that they are there.
A very cheap sentiment and factually wrong. That's not to suggest that people can't be beautiful on the inside, just that some people are ugly both inside and out, Ilse Koch and Myra Hindley spring to mind.
Quiet reflection on personal or global tragedies is often a valuable part of the human experience, where as praying is just half a handclap. Should a child go missing or a country be devastated by an earthquake we should all rest assured that praying will achieve nothing.
Praying assumes that God can be nagged into taking action, that people are crushed to death under the rubble of a building because we didn't ask nicely enough. For every 'miracle' survivor are hundreds of others that the G-man just kicked back and watched dying, slowly.
Prayers ineffectiveness either means your god doesn't exist or that all this suffering is part of his plan, which I'm sure will comfort that little girl locked in a basement as the shadow of her abductor enters the doorway.
Twitter trends can sometimes read like a shopping list of our cultural failings but just often enough something magical happens and millions can come together over a dog called Benton or Shakespearean pie pun.
Follow Will Porter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/GlamorousLeft