Xavier Toby
Writer and comedian. Words are amazing, sentences are even better. World, please stop ignoring them. Debut non-fiction comedy book available now: http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/

Entries by Xavier Toby

Hey Apple, Where's My Fairtrade iPhone?

(0) Comments | Posted 5 October 2014 | (07:59)

Were you so excited about the new iPhone 6 that you lined up for it? You shouldn't have.

I'll tell you what's worth lining up for - something that's in short supply.

Not a thing that's mass produced and widely available. Like an iPhone 6. Spending hours in a queue...

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Climate Change Sceptics Are as Stupid as Creationists

(0) Comments | Posted 30 September 2014 | (04:07)

The 2050 history books will likely feature the following entry:

"Past generations believed that the world was flat, leaches could cure anything, homosexual people shouldn't be married, diets actually worked and that it was fine for overweight people to wear leggings in public. However those fools are nothing compared to...

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You Can't Call Your Baby 'Ahmiracle' - It's Not a Real Name

(3) Comments | Posted 10 July 2014 | (00:00)


A school teacher friend of mine had a student named Kylie. In an effort to be original, the parents had spelt it Kyleigh.

In an act of defiance, my friend made a point of spelling her name Kylie on the young...

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I Feel Bad, But I Just Don't Care at All About the FIFA World Cup, Here's Why...

(9) Comments | Posted 16 June 2014 | (00:00)


I feel bad, but I just don't care at all about the FIFA World Cup. Here's why...

I feel terrible and I want to care, but when it comes to the FIFA World Cup, I just don't.
It's the biggest...

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Front Page News... Justin Bieber (Again)

(0) Comments | Posted 5 June 2014 | (01:59)


Justin Bieber told a racist joke five years ago. A video of this was recently made public, and it immediately went viral.

Going viral around the same time was every other new video of Justin Bieber, vision of a cat attacking a dog,...

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Your Kid Is Fat? That's Your Fault

(0) Comments | Posted 31 May 2014 | (00:47)


Aussie kids are apparently some of the fattest in the world.
The 'Active Healthy Kids Australia' report card recently graded Auusie kids a 'D-'.
Barely above a fail, and certainly nowhere near fridge-worthy.

If there were some sort of United Nations...

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What Those 'My Family' Stickers Really Say About Your Family

(0) Comments | Posted 24 May 2014 | (00:14)


News coming out of America is that 'My Family' stickers are putting wholesome family units at risk of attack from predators, robbers and other nefarious types.

If you've been nowhere near a road in the last four years, or you've been fortunate enough...

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Why Do I Comedy?

(0) Comments | Posted 16 April 2014 | (00:00)

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is now in full swing, and as a comedian, the most common question I'm asked is, 'How do you do it?'

Basically people want to know how I manage to overcome all that fear, and stand on stage in front of a group of strangers,...

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Shopping: I Cannot Think of a Bigger Waste of Time

(0) Comments | Posted 10 April 2014 | (01:20)

Shopping. I just don't get it. Honestly, I cannot think of a bigger waste of time.

Watching the grass grow or the paint dry, at least you're outside and contemplating things.

Such as why café coffee always tastes better than home coffee, why it is that home improvements on television...

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Fashion Victims and Australia's First H&M Store

(0) Comments | Posted 8 April 2014 | (23:18)

So, the first H&M store has just opened in Australia. In Melbourne of course, as Melbourne hits that magical sweet spot between up itself enough to prioritise fashion over everything but football, and cold enough that people need clothes all year round.

A stylish person in Sydney would only need...

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Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 - Why Do We Care So Much?

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2014 | (07:48)

Nobody might ever find one scrap of missing Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370.

It's not just looking for a needle in a haystack. Considering the size of the ocean, and the amount of other rubbish floating around, it's like looking for a needle in haystack that's full of needles, and the...

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To Give or Not to Give... Directions

(0) Comments | Posted 5 March 2014 | (21:56)

Are you a person who will offer someone directions if they're looking lost? What about if they ask? Or are you the type to shrug, say you don't know, and if they persist just point anywhere, in order to get the person asking to go away as quickly as possible?

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It's Soooo Cold Today - Which Disproves Climate Change Yeah? Actually, No

(0) Comments | Posted 16 January 2014 | (01:37)

In much of America at the moment, it's ridiculously, outrageously freezing cold.

Like instantly turn your snot to icicles, don't take off your gloves you might lose a finger, huddle around the heater and forget the rest of the world cold.
On the news earlier today, I even saw...

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New Year - New Career? Or Not

(0) Comments | Posted 14 January 2014 | (01:10)

For many, this is the first official working week of the year. Which sucks.

Perhaps you've already been back at work for a week or more? Sucked in.

Maybe you're one of those rare people who adore their job, and have been counting down the days until you can get...

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How I Survived New Year's Eve 2013

(0) Comments | Posted 4 January 2014 | (20:44)

Now that New Years Eve is a few days behind us, lets take a moment to reflect on the annual celebration of the year that often feels like, 'On this night, you need to have the most unbelievably epic time ever or you're a loser.'

I believe it's easily the...

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Car Parks, Hell and Stress at Xmas - 'Tis the Season of Obligation

(0) Comments | Posted 23 December 2013 | (21:45)

You know what Xmas and New Year used to mean to me? Stress.

Rushing to do too much in too little time, traffic and crawling around overstuffed multi-level car parks.

If anything proves the existence of the devil, it's car parks. No matter how many levels high they might be,...

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There Should Be an Age Limit for Giving Christmas Presents

(0) Comments | Posted 19 December 2013 | (22:32)

You know what I hate most about Christmas?

Getting presents.

I know how that sounds, so let me explain.

Every present I get is crap I don't need, never wanted or that doesn't fit.

If I need or want something, I go out and buy it. Because I'm an adult,...

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Let's Feed Fat People to the Sharks and the Real Odds of a Shark Attack

(0) Comments | Posted 11 December 2013 | (23:06)

Are the chances of death by shark attack really so low that it's not worth worrying about? With two fatal attacks in Australia very close together, it doesn't really feel like it.

I'm a surfer so every time there's an attack, I reassure myself with the stats. That you're several...

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Why Fear Sharks? Xmas Trees Are the Real Killers

(0) Comments | Posted 5 December 2013 | (00:33)

Sharks are terrifying. Mammoth muscles with rows of razor-sharp teeth that motor through the water at speeds many times faster than us. It'd be stupid not to scared of them. Wouldn't it?

Actually, no. Despite the two recent tragedies in Australia, according to the facts, death by shark attack is...

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Are All Exams Pointless?

(0) Comments | Posted 21 November 2013 | (23:13)

Around this time of year, I always have nightmares.

About that one exam that I still haven't passed, that I haven't studied for and that's being held at 9am the very next morning.

In the nightmare, I'm so poorly prepared that I don't even know the name of the subject....

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