Xavier Toby
Writer and comedian. Words are amazing, sentences are even better. World, please stop ignoring them. Debut non-fiction comedy book available now: http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/

Entries by Xavier Toby

Men Get Lonely - So What? Tell Someone Who Cares

(0) Comments | Posted 5 January 2015 | (13:26)


"Hey you. If you've got a problem, do something about it. Don't talk about it. Nobody cares."

As a man, I've heard this before. All the time actually, and in several different ways. After a girlfriend cheated on me, when I was shattered...

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The Twelve Days of Christmas for a Xmas Orphan

(0) Comments | Posted 24 December 2014 | (14:07)

As an Aussie in NYC and Xmas Orphan, I've composed my very own "Twelve Days of Christmas".

You know, just because... Why not?

What's a Xmas Orphan?

Extremely unlike an actual orphan, it's someone who's going to spend the holiday season well away from the majority of their friends and...

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Fairlife: Coca Cola Now Makes Milk (Insert Scepticism Here)

(0) Comments | Posted 14 December 2014 | (17:57)


Coca Cola is launching "Fairlife" milk.

It isn't really milk, but it was once. Apparently.

It's going to cost more than milk. Maybe twice as much, but is also supposed to have heaps of additional health benefits. There are also significant...

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Facebook Is Terrible for Serious Relationships and Great for Crap Ones Otherwise Known as 'Backburners' - Here's Why!

(0) Comments | Posted 8 December 2014 | (13:19)


Sometimes you read a wonderful bit of research that proves something about the world you suspected was true, and not only does it confirm a belief, but also provides fodder for pub arguments, as well as making you a better person.

All thanks...

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Is the US Presidential Turkey Pardon a Big Load of Baloney?

(0) Comments | Posted 24 November 2014 | (13:43)

Every year the US President pardons a turkey.

Quite an honour, which may be more useful if bestowed on a person.

I'm sure plenty would agree to dress up as a turkey, and even behave like a turkey, in order to avoid ruining the spirit of the day.

It's also...

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I Don't Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

(4) Comments | Posted 14 November 2014 | (15:32)


So Kim Kardashian's butt is everywhere.

Considering the size of the thing, that makes a lot of sense to me.

Like it could easily accommodate the rest of her, along with all the Kardashians, each of her previous partners, and their considerable wealth.

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Apple CEO Tim Cook Comes Out and I Wish There Wasn't Such a Fuss

(0) Comments | Posted 10 November 2014 | (13:03)


Apple CEO Tim Cook recently came out to explain why he's proud to be gay, and I personally have a mammoth problem with it.

Every time I read an article on the subject, glance at a headline, or see his smiling face on...

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Hey Apple, Where's My Fairtrade iPhone?

(0) Comments | Posted 5 October 2014 | (08:59)

Were you so excited about the new iPhone 6 that you lined up for it? You shouldn't have.

I'll tell you what's worth lining up for - something that's in short supply.

Not a thing that's mass produced and widely available. Like an iPhone 6. Spending hours in a queue...

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Climate Change Sceptics Are as Stupid as Creationists

(0) Comments | Posted 30 September 2014 | (05:07)

The 2050 history books will likely feature the following entry:

"Past generations believed that the world was flat, leaches could cure anything, homosexual people shouldn't be married, diets actually worked and that it was fine for overweight people to wear leggings in public. However those fools are nothing compared to...

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You Can't Call Your Baby 'Ahmiracle' - It's Not a Real Name

(3) Comments | Posted 10 July 2014 | (01:00)


A school teacher friend of mine had a student named Kylie. In an effort to be original, the parents had spelt it Kyleigh.

In an act of defiance, my friend made a point of spelling her name Kylie on the young...

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I Feel Bad, But I Just Don't Care at All About the FIFA World Cup, Here's Why...

(8) Comments | Posted 16 June 2014 | (01:00)


I feel bad, but I just don't care at all about the FIFA World Cup. Here's why...

I feel terrible and I want to care, but when it comes to the FIFA World Cup, I just don't.
It's the biggest...

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Front Page News... Justin Bieber (Again)

(0) Comments | Posted 5 June 2014 | (02:59)


Justin Bieber told a racist joke five years ago. A video of this was recently made public, and it immediately went viral.

Going viral around the same time was every other new video of Justin Bieber, vision of a cat attacking a dog,...

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Your Kid Is Fat? That's Your Fault

(0) Comments | Posted 31 May 2014 | (01:47)


Aussie kids are apparently some of the fattest in the world.
The 'Active Healthy Kids Australia' report card recently graded Auusie kids a 'D-'.
Barely above a fail, and certainly nowhere near fridge-worthy.

If there were some sort of United Nations...

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What Those 'My Family' Stickers Really Say About Your Family

(0) Comments | Posted 24 May 2014 | (01:14)


News coming out of America is that 'My Family' stickers are putting wholesome family units at risk of attack from predators, robbers and other nefarious types.

If you've been nowhere near a road in the last four years, or you've been fortunate enough...

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Why Do I Comedy?

(0) Comments | Posted 16 April 2014 | (01:00)

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is now in full swing, and as a comedian, the most common question I'm asked is, 'How do you do it?'

Basically people want to know how I manage to overcome all that fear, and stand on stage in front of a group of strangers,...

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Shopping: I Cannot Think of a Bigger Waste of Time

(0) Comments | Posted 10 April 2014 | (02:20)

Shopping. I just don't get it. Honestly, I cannot think of a bigger waste of time.

Watching the grass grow or the paint dry, at least you're outside and contemplating things.

Such as why café coffee always tastes better than home coffee, why it is that home improvements on television...

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Fashion Victims and Australia's First H&M Store

(0) Comments | Posted 9 April 2014 | (00:18)

So, the first H&M store has just opened in Australia. In Melbourne of course, as Melbourne hits that magical sweet spot between up itself enough to prioritise fashion over everything but football, and cold enough that people need clothes all year round.

A stylish person in Sydney would only need...

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Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 - Why Do We Care So Much?

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2014 | (08:48)

Nobody might ever find one scrap of missing Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370.

It's not just looking for a needle in a haystack. Considering the size of the ocean, and the amount of other rubbish floating around, it's like looking for a needle in haystack that's full of needles, and the...

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To Give or Not to Give... Directions

(0) Comments | Posted 5 March 2014 | (22:56)

Are you a person who will offer someone directions if they're looking lost? What about if they ask? Or are you the type to shrug, say you don't know, and if they persist just point anywhere, in order to get the person asking to go away as quickly as possible?

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It's Soooo Cold Today - Which Disproves Climate Change Yeah? Actually, No

(0) Comments | Posted 16 January 2014 | (02:37)

In much of America at the moment, it's ridiculously, outrageously freezing cold.

Like instantly turn your snot to icicles, don't take off your gloves you might lose a finger, huddle around the heater and forget the rest of the world cold.
On the news earlier today, I even saw...

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