Xavier Toby
Writer and comedian. Words are amazing, sentences are even better. World, please stop ignoring them. Debut non-fiction comedy book available now: http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/

Entries by Xavier Toby

Why Isn't Climate Change a Bigger Election Issue? Maybe We Need to Rename it 'Bieber Kardashian Sex Tape'

(17) Comments | Posted 13 June 2016 | (11:45)

Why isn't climate change a bigger issue in the upcoming elections in the USA and Australia? It's barely an issue at all, and in the recent UK election, it was also rarely mentioned.

In order to avoid catastrophic climate change it's essential that we act now, but that small fact...

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Is Evolution Going Backwards?

(0) Comments | Posted 7 February 2016 | (06:43)

Do you think that evolution is going backwards?

I do.

If you're reading this, I'm clearly not talking about you - since you can read.

Something longer than a street sign, an ironic tattoo and the winning lotto numbers, and that's the key.

As a society, it's a fact that...

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Why Does Anyone Bother Playing the Lottery?

(2) Comments | Posted 18 January 2016 | (23:00)


Want to win a billion dollars? By playing the lottery?

Sorry, you're no chance. Even if you did buy a ticket.

So why does anyone bothering playing the lottery?

Well the quick answer is - because it's fun.

The biggest lottery jackpot ever...

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Getting Freaky at Work

(0) Comments | Posted 11 January 2016 | (09:04)


By now, most of us have started back at work for the year, and that first day back is always one of the toughest.

It's waking up next to your partner the day after the end of your honeymoon, looking at them and...

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Should I Have Bought My Wife a Christmas Present?

(0) Comments | Posted 27 December 2015 | (12:43)

Should I have bought my wife a Christmas Present?

Well yes of course, and that's exactly what my heart said.

My head, however, was full of facts.

We're both doing okay. We have enough stuff, and isn't Christmas a time for giving to those less fortunate? Even if it isn't...

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Maybe the Most Stupid, Pointless, Slightly Factual Preview of the 2015 World Series

(0) Comments | Posted 27 October 2015 | (03:51)


Baseball. Where grown men of highly varying fitness levels are paid millions to wear pajamas and throw balls at other men armed with sticks and wearing different colored PJs.

So the World Series kicks off this Tuesday night in the USA, Wednesday morning...

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Candy Crush Is Wrecking Your Brain

(0) Comments | Posted 28 April 2015 | (13:50)

We're obsessed with instant gratification. Which makes us look great on the outside, but leaves us with nothing on the inside.


We're surrounded by addicts; everyone who's constantly pressing, clicking or nearly getting squished by cars while glancing at their phones. So basically,...

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Was Jesus the First Supermodel?

(0) Comments | Posted 14 April 2015 | (16:31)

There is compelling evidence that the first supermodel was, in fact, Jesus.

Now I'm not sure if anyone's ever come up with this theory before, but I've never heard anyone else mention it. So let's just pretend for a moment that I'm a genius, and that the whole concept isn't...

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Alcoholism: The Secret to Long Life? Stop Drinking!

(1) Comments | Posted 9 March 2015 | (15:06)

News websites are full of surveys. Most prove nothing. The rest prove nothing useful.

I'm a big one for calling them out every time they trot out something as interesting, insightful and revolutionary, which is actually common sense, no sense or nonsense.

Then this study comes along, and it's reaffirmed...

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The Most Aussie Thing to Happen This Week (Imho)

(0) Comments | Posted 27 February 2015 | (18:06)

"Beer thieving pig gets drunk and start a fight with cow"

Great headline, however I'm sure it's something that goes down in many Australian households every Friday night.

Indeed, this is not news if by "pig" the article is referring to a:

1) Mining magnate

2) Politician

3) Footballer


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Street Harassment: Would You Talk Like That to Your Mother?

(0) Comments | Posted 5 February 2015 | (05:30)


"That girl you're drooling over, she's got a mother."

"The topless waitress, she might be someone's mother."

"See that stripper? Now look above the banana but below the tattoo of a dragon. See that c-section scar? She's someone's mother."

"That orgy you're watching?...

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The 36 Questions That Will Make You Fall in Love With Anyone. Do They Work?

(2) Comments | Posted 2 February 2015 | (03:46)


The 36 questions that will make you fall in love.

With anyone.

Sounds dangerous.

It started way back in 1997. Before Twitter, Facebook, Reality TV, the Internet and gluten.

You know, the good ol' days.

Anyway, a journalist in New York recently wrote...

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Men Get Lonely - So What? Tell Someone Who Cares

(0) Comments | Posted 5 January 2015 | (12:26)


"Hey you. If you've got a problem, do something about it. Don't talk about it. Nobody cares."

As a man, I've heard this before. All the time actually, and in several different ways. After a girlfriend cheated on me, when I was shattered...

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The Twelve Days of Christmas for a Xmas Orphan

(0) Comments | Posted 24 December 2014 | (13:07)

As an Aussie in NYC and Xmas Orphan, I've composed my very own "Twelve Days of Christmas".

You know, just because... Why not?

What's a Xmas Orphan?

Extremely unlike an actual orphan, it's someone who's going to spend the holiday season well away from the majority of their friends and...

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Fairlife: Coca Cola Now Makes Milk (Insert Scepticism Here)

(0) Comments | Posted 14 December 2014 | (16:57)


Coca Cola is launching "Fairlife" milk.

It isn't really milk, but it was once. Apparently.

It's going to cost more than milk. Maybe twice as much, but is also supposed to have heaps of additional health benefits. There are also significant...

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Facebook Is Terrible for Serious Relationships and Great for Crap Ones Otherwise Known as 'Backburners' - Here's Why!

(0) Comments | Posted 8 December 2014 | (12:19)


Sometimes you read a wonderful bit of research that proves something about the world you suspected was true, and not only does it confirm a belief, but also provides fodder for pub arguments, as well as making you a better person.

All thanks...

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Is the US Presidential Turkey Pardon a Big Load of Baloney?

(0) Comments | Posted 24 November 2014 | (12:43)

Every year the US President pardons a turkey.

Quite an honour, which may be more useful if bestowed on a person.

I'm sure plenty would agree to dress up as a turkey, and even behave like a turkey, in order to avoid ruining the spirit of the day.

It's also...

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I Don't Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

(4) Comments | Posted 14 November 2014 | (14:32)


So Kim Kardashian's butt is everywhere.

Considering the size of the thing, that makes a lot of sense to me.

Like it could easily accommodate the rest of her, along with all the Kardashians, each of her previous partners, and their considerable wealth.

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Apple CEO Tim Cook Comes Out and I Wish There Wasn't Such a Fuss

(0) Comments | Posted 10 November 2014 | (12:03)


Apple CEO Tim Cook recently came out to explain why he's proud to be gay, and I personally have a mammoth problem with it.

Every time I read an article on the subject, glance at a headline, or see his smiling face on...

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Hey Apple, Where's My Fairtrade iPhone?

(0) Comments | Posted 5 October 2014 | (07:59)

Were you so excited about the new iPhone 6 that you lined up for it? You shouldn't have.

I'll tell you what's worth lining up for - something that's in short supply.

Not a thing that's mass produced and widely available. Like an iPhone 6. Spending hours in a queue...

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