Xavier Toby
Writer and comedian. Words are amazing, sentences are even better. World, please stop ignoring them.

Entries by Xavier Toby

Why Do I Comedy?

(0) Comments | Posted 16 April 2014 | (00:00)

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is now in full swing, and as a comedian, the most common question I'm asked is, 'How do you do it?'

Basically people want to know how I manage to overcome all that fear, and stand on stage in front of a group of strangers,...

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Shopping: I Cannot Think of a Bigger Waste of Time

(0) Comments | Posted 10 April 2014 | (01:20)

Shopping. I just don't get it. Honestly, I cannot think of a bigger waste of time.

Watching the grass grow or the paint dry, at least you're outside and contemplating things.

Such as why café coffee always tastes better than home coffee, why it is that home improvements on television...

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Fashion Victims and Australia's First H&M Store

(0) Comments | Posted 8 April 2014 | (23:18)

So, the first H&M store has just opened in Australia. In Melbourne of course, as Melbourne hits that magical sweet spot between up itself enough to prioritise fashion over everything but football, and cold enough that people need clothes all year round.

A stylish person in Sydney would only need...

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Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 - Why Do We Care So Much?

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2014 | (07:48)

Nobody might ever find one scrap of missing Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370.

It's not just looking for a needle in a haystack. Considering the size of the ocean, and the amount of other rubbish floating around, it's like looking for a needle in haystack that's full of needles, and the...

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To Give or Not to Give... Directions

(0) Comments | Posted 5 March 2014 | (21:56)

Are you a person who will offer someone directions if they're looking lost? What about if they ask? Or are you the type to shrug, say you don't know, and if they persist just point anywhere, in order to get the person asking to go away as quickly as possible?

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It's Soooo Cold Today - Which Disproves Climate Change Yeah? Actually, No

(0) Comments | Posted 16 January 2014 | (01:37)

In much of America at the moment, it's ridiculously, outrageously freezing cold.

Like instantly turn your snot to icicles, don't take off your gloves you might lose a finger, huddle around the heater and forget the rest of the world cold.
On the news earlier today, I even saw...

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New Year - New Career? Or Not

(0) Comments | Posted 14 January 2014 | (01:10)

For many, this is the first official working week of the year. Which sucks.

Perhaps you've already been back at work for a week or more? Sucked in.

Maybe you're one of those rare people who adore their job, and have been counting down the days until you can get...

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How I Survived New Year's Eve 2013

(0) Comments | Posted 4 January 2014 | (20:44)

Now that New Years Eve is a few days behind us, lets take a moment to reflect on the annual celebration of the year that often feels like, 'On this night, you need to have the most unbelievably epic time ever or you're a loser.'

I believe it's easily the...

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Car Parks, Hell and Stress at Xmas - 'Tis the Season of Obligation

(0) Comments | Posted 23 December 2013 | (21:45)

You know what Xmas and New Year used to mean to me? Stress.

Rushing to do too much in too little time, traffic and crawling around overstuffed multi-level car parks.

If anything proves the existence of the devil, it's car parks. No matter how many levels high they might be,...

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There Should Be an Age Limit for Giving Christmas Presents

(0) Comments | Posted 19 December 2013 | (22:32)

You know what I hate most about Christmas?

Getting presents.

I know how that sounds, so let me explain.

Every present I get is crap I don't need, never wanted or that doesn't fit.

If I need or want something, I go out and buy it. Because I'm an adult,...

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Let's Feed Fat People to the Sharks and the Real Odds of a Shark Attack

(0) Comments | Posted 11 December 2013 | (23:06)

Are the chances of death by shark attack really so low that it's not worth worrying about? With two fatal attacks in Australia very close together, it doesn't really feel like it.

I'm a surfer so every time there's an attack, I reassure myself with the stats. That you're several...

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Why Fear Sharks? Xmas Trees Are the Real Killers

(0) Comments | Posted 5 December 2013 | (00:33)

Sharks are terrifying. Mammoth muscles with rows of razor-sharp teeth that motor through the water at speeds many times faster than us. It'd be stupid not to scared of them. Wouldn't it?

Actually, no. Despite the two recent tragedies in Australia, according to the facts, death by shark attack is...

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Are All Exams Pointless?

(0) Comments | Posted 21 November 2013 | (23:13)

Around this time of year, I always have nightmares.

About that one exam that I still haven't passed, that I haven't studied for and that's being held at 9am the very next morning.

In the nightmare, I'm so poorly prepared that I don't even know the name of the subject....

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Eight Sneezes Equals One Big What?

(0) Comments | Posted 6 November 2013 | (19:50)

So I've been getting a bit of hay fever with the change of seasons, and I hate it. Pretty sure the doctors have the name wrong as well. Like when was the last time you saw a bit of hay? With a fever?

It's settled down now, thanks for asking,...

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The Spring Racing Carnival of Excess and Addictions

(0) Comments | Posted 5 November 2013 | (05:06)

Every year we're told to remember the real meaning of Christmas, Easter and even Halloween. So it's about time we honour the real meaning of the Spring Racing Carnival.

By the way, Halloween is a pagan holiday that celebrates the changing of the seasons, and is commemorated with tooth decay,...

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The 'Say It to Their Face' Rule

(12) Comments | Posted 3 October 2013 | (00:00)

Are you fed up with all the hateful, hurtful rubbish that's in nearly every comments section on the internet? Me too. So I've come up with a solution.

The 'say it to their face' rule.

It's simple. You're not allowed to comment, post or leave any message anywhere on the...

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I'm Not Racist, But...

(136) Comments | Posted 13 September 2013 | (00:00)

Here's one quick way to work out if someone's racist.

If they say, "I'm not racist, but..."

Then they're definitely racist.

Really, that phrase should be outlawed.

If it actually worked, nobody would ever again be sent to prison.

In court all they'd have to say is, "I'm not a...

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What's the Real Difference Between Liberal and Labor?

(0) Comments | Posted 11 September 2013 | (01:22)

Now that the Australian election is done, and before we ignore politics for another three years, let's have a quick think about what a vote for Liberal or Labor really means.
It's not about the policies, the leaders, the stupid mistakes they make or the colour of their ties.

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Political Ads or Free Beer - What Would You Choose?

(0) Comments | Posted 21 August 2013 | (22:44)

Since the ads for this election campaign have started, I've smashed seven televisions. Meaning I'm now banned from six pubs and my parent's house.

Okay, so I haven't smashed any tvs, although I've wanted to. In an unrelated incident, I have cracked my iPhone screen because my new jeans are...

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What Is the Point of Owning a Pet?

(37) Comments | Posted 17 August 2013 | (00:00)

A long-time friend named Matt and his girlfriend Miranda got a pug. Too small to be a real dog, barks at its shadow, only eats fresh meat, still isn't toilet trained and looks like a rat whose face has been hit with a sledgehammer.

Last year, they didn't take a...

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