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Fairlife: Coca Cola Now Makes Milk (Insert Scepticism Here)

15/12/2014 03:46 GMT | Updated 13/02/2015 10:59 GMT

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Coca Cola is launching "Fairlife" milk.

It isn't really milk, but it was once. Apparently.

It's going to cost more than milk. Maybe twice as much, but is also supposed to have heaps of additional health benefits. There are also significant health benefits with not drinking milk and doing exercise, but Coca Cola isn't selling that.

So I don't know, buy it if you want.

Coke is really bad for you. Coca Cola make that too. There was that guy who recently drank ten cans a day for a month, and he got fat, his teeth rotted, he nearly died and his dog ran away because he turned into a jerk. With cravings for sugar. Or something.

This new "Coke Milk" is being billed as premium milk. With no lactose, 50% more protein and calcium than regular milk, as well as 30% less sugar.

It's made on a sustainable dairy farm with all sorts of other stuff, and some revolutionary processes.

Anyway, here are the reasons why I'm never going to buy it, in no particular order...

The original advertising campaign for Fairlife, which has since been pulled by Coca Cola, was extremely sexist.

All the science about how and why Fairlife is good for you...was done by Coca Cola. Who once upon a time, used to advertise the health benefits of Coke. Basically, they are going to say what they think they can get away with, and the scientists they employ are always going to prove what they're paying them to prove, regardless of the truth.

Where are the independent studies on these revolutionary processes? Who is to say this stuff won't end up poisoning you?

Nobody they're paying.

Coca Cola is claiming this milk is all sustainable and healthy and whatever. It might be, but they're not in the business of providing health products. They produce Coke. They're in the business to making money, and that's it. They don't give a stuff about it being healthy.

I prefer to get my milk from companies that want to make money, sure, but also have some morals. These companies are incredibly rare.

My final point is, cow milk is not designed for humans. It's designed for cows. That's why I don't drink it. I only put human milk in my coffee. Which tastes weird and is problematic to come by. I'd like to drink soy milk, but have you ever tried to milk a soy bean? I can't even find their nipples.

In summary, there's nothing fair about Fairlife, but as my Dad repeatedly tells me, "Life's not fair. Get over it."