THE BLOG

Hey Apple, Where's My Fairtrade iPhone?

06/10/2014 11:39 BST | Updated 04/12/2014 10:59 GMT

Were you so excited about the new iPhone 6 that you lined up for it? You shouldn't have.

I'll tell you what's worth lining up for - something that's in short supply.

Not a thing that's mass produced and widely available. Like an iPhone 6. Spending hours in a queue just so you can have it hours before someone else is not a good enough reason to line up for anything.

Instead of lining up for an iPhone 6, your time would be far better spent buying a mirror, so you can have a good hard look at yourself.

So the new iPhone 6 or 'iBend' comes in a few different models. However there are two versions of the iPhone that are way overdue for release.

Number One is the iWaterproof.

Every ithingy ever can be destroyed by something so abundant that it falls from the sky, and we've got it on tap.

That's like having a flying car that melts when it rains. Or a stripper with an amazing body, but is covered in hair. Or living in a country full of natural resources, and letting only the richest people sell them and then keep all the cash for themselves.

Number Two is the iFairtrade.

A couple of years ago, Apple was accused of mistreating its third world workforce. This is a touch complicated, as it doesn't directly employ the majority of these people - they work for sub-contractors.

It seems that if any of these employees were being treated poorly they aren't anymore, according to the standards in the country where they're employed.

So a lot of these workers still put in ridiculous hours and get paid only a few dollars a day, but apparently that's a respectable third world wage.

Now at last count, Apple has around $160 billion in cash. That's not savings, or what the company is worth, that's ready cash.

It'd probably fill all the piggy banks in the world, as well as the actual pigs.

Imagine then how much it'd be in mixed lollies? Enough lolly snakes to end world hunger, but create world diabetes.

And how many $2 peeps would it buy? At least a Brazillion.

$160 billion cash is also over three times as much as the US Government has on hand, which is about $49 billion. You know, just in case they need more weapons for white police working in racially sensitive areas.

$160 billion is also way more than you, or me or Australia has got, so Apple can clearly afford to pay it's workers a little more.

Failing that, it has the cash to at least look into making a completely guilt-free iPhone.

Every hipster, hippie and hip-anything is as hooked on their Apple products as they are on extremely questionable fashions, facial hair and kale, which is just lettuce pretending to be hip, but don't tell anyone.

I call them the 'ya ya' crowd.

When they're over at my (share) house they're all like,

"None for me. Not unless it's organic fairtrade GMO free. Ya ya."

"And your toilet paper? Is it fairtrade? No. Lucky I brought my own. Ya ya."

"Oh and I brought my own almond milk. Squeezed from non-GMO, organic almonds that weren't removed from almond trees, but fell to the ground. Naturally. Ya ya. It's $73 a litre, but totally worth it. Try a bit. You can really taste the lack of persecution. Ya ya.'

As well as the 'ya ya' crowd and other iAddicts, many of us are prepared to pay a little more for an iAnything. Then even more for slightly better iVersions, and iAccessories galore.

So why not an iFairtrade?

Let's not just stop with looking after the workers either. I want an iPhone that's completely sustainable.

There's demand for guilt-free fruit, vegetables, meat, tea, coffee, and sometimes clothing if you don't ask many questions. So why not?

A sales assistant might say, 'Here it is, the world's first completely guilt free iPhone.

It's made completely of hemp, cow dung and positive vibes by Chinese workers, who each work on their own private yachts, and are paid the equivalent of $6 an hour, which is a fortune to them. So I'm told.'

'How much does it go for?' asks the ya ya.

'Only $3000, and comes in brown, tan, or earth.'

'That sounds amazing. What sort of battery life does it get?' says the ya ya.

'Seven seconds.'

'So it's just like a regular iPhone. No thanks. I've already got nine of those.'

'Uh, okay. Well how about the guilt-free iPad? Uses absolutely no power. 100% recyclable,' says the sales assistant.

'Buddy, that's just an etch-e-sketch.'

'No it's an iPad. Look it's got a column for your appointments, and your contacts. And a separate column for drawings of a dog, house with chimney, and a smiling sun.'

'Seriously, I'm not pay $5000 for an etch-e-sketch,' says the ya ya.

'It's a fairtrade, guilt-free, completely sustainable etch-e-sketch, and you'll be the first person in this shopping centre to have one,' the sales assistant replies.

'I'll take four.'