THE BLOG

Vote for ME! I should TOTES be the next POPE

12/03/2013 12:57 GMT | Updated 11/05/2013 10:12 BST

It's in the Catholic Rulebook, more commonly known as the Bible, that any Catholic can be Pope. The next one should totes be me.

To those who say, 'Why you?'

I reply, 'Why not?'

Just in case that flawless argument isn't enough, let me expand.

At only 34 years old, I'm good for at least fifty years of service. Not like that current guy, who didn't even make a decade. There's a reason most companies are reluctant to hire senior citizens. That's because they're senior citizens.

I'm available. That is, I'm both single and without solid employment apart from the odd comedy gig, so I'm free to start immediately. Most other jobs and/or wives require at least a few weeks notice.

I can surf. It is widely reported that the Catholic Church needs of an image boost. Who wouldn't go bananas for a Pope on a surfboard? It's got to be better than a Pope not on a surfboard. I'd be Pope Kelly Slater the First™.

My other big marketing idea is to use celebrities on the ads, billboards and little wafer thingys. I'd reel in the biggest names with blanket forgiveness and an attractive afterlife package. Finding celebrities won't be a problem as they've got plenty of sins, and if the Scientologists can sign them up, well it must be easy.

It's also worth mentioning that I'm up for abstinence. After being told repeatedly, 'You're such a great guy. Great chat, great in bed, okay looking, but I'm just not ready for a relationship because (insert rubbish reason here).' I've had it with girls, and guys aren't really my thing. So I'm bang up for having a crack at getting God into the sack. Metaphorically, spiritually and/or physically.

And who else is sick of mumbling Popes who look like they're about to fall asleep, or are already asleep? Compared to your average Pope, people can actually understand me when I talk. If the congregation I'm addressing don't speak English, I'll organize a monkey to stand in front of me and hold subtitles. Or a translator. But probably the monkey.

On day one as the Pope, in the lodge or underwater lair or wherever the Pope lives, my first order of business would be to pimp the Popemobile. Lower it, add mag wheels, and a personalized number plate - actually there's already one of those on it, proving that the Pope's a bogan. I'd also drop in an engine big enough to take anything at the lights.

Then I'd churn out replicas of my spiritually superior mean machine and sell it for a hefty profit, as part of a long line of merch including surfboards, holy bottled water, incense sticks, those stupid hats and Pope endorsed condoms.

After a few days settling into the role, visiting old people and orphanages and lepers and shit, I'd sell off the church's billions in assets and give all the money to the poor. Then I'd announce that women can be priests, not just because they're far less likely to touch kids, and allow all priests, monks and nurses to get laid. Perhaps kicking things off with a key party. Most importantly, I'd fire George Pell. Because he's a dick.

On day six of my reign I'd rename Mass on Sunday morning 'Football'. Nobody wants to go to Mass, but everyone loves going to the footy. I'd replace the bells with sirens, the vestments with jumpers and at halftime hand out oranges, and allow everyone to kick around a football. Sponsorship on any spare surface including parishioners would be encouraged, to make back some of the money given to the poor.

Next I'd start a Mass targeted at young adults called 'Recovery'. For the hung-over and still going, it'd be best party in town. Classic anthems, free red wine and I'd replace the wafers with ecstasy pills, and print celebrity faces on them too. I guarantee you everyone at that mass will LOVE Jesus. Nowhere in the Bible have I read anything that rules out MDMA, however I haven't read the Bible.

Then on the seventh day, I'd rest. Or go to the 'Football'.

It's probably worth mentioning that I'm a non-practicing Catholic. I got it right when I was 14, so there was no need for any more practice.

Seriously if God is as all powerful and amazing as the Catholics believe she/he is, do you really think she/he would need to be told? Over and over again with all that prayer and Mass and rubbish? No way.

If there is a God, they'd just want us to be much nicer to each other and look after the planet, along with everything on it. Which the Catholic Church does occasionally mention, so I guess there are some parts I wouldn't need to change.

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian with upcoming shows in Melbourne (Mar 27-Apr 9), Sydney (May 7-11) and Brisbane (May 12-19). For details and more stupidity: www.xaviertoby.com