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Alternate Spa Day for Parents

15/07/2015 15:43 BST | Updated 14/07/2016 10:59 BST

It is 3 PM on a weekday afternoon and I am Bone. Tired. Like: as weary as a badger, as knackered as a gnat.

I'd like to think I would be more effective with simile use if I were better rested. Probably.

I was up until late last night - and the night before that - working, then had a toddler in my face (quite literally) from 1 AM until 4 AM. I am hard-pressed to choose which was worse: the 2-year-old kicks in the nose, ribs and head or the incessant demand for 'Tele' at 230 AM when I had to try really hard not to beat myself over the head with the alarm clock until I passed out, instead of repeated whispers of 'sleepy time, darling.'

So here I am - tired, injured, aching and so far from a yoga retreat it hurts - something has to be done.

I'm sure like other busy parents, I am not alone in craving the sanctuary of a peaceful spa day pamper. Sadly though - again like many others - I have not the time, funds or limitless childcare for such an extravagance; so swanning off to pastures green (or pools blue) is not looking likely.

So instead, driven by either genius or desperation, I am trialling an alternate spa day for parents; incorporating all of the fancy indulgences to be found at such retreats, but at home... for free... without any childcare issues. This, my friends is known as a Parenting Win, and I expect that once this bad boy is published, there will be no limit to the number of frazzled messes (parents) it can help. You heard it here first - who needs Champneys anyway? (All of us, I know).

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Spa Day - Meditation

Alternate Spa Day - Passing out on your child's bedroom floor after the fake 'asleep breathing' you have been performing becomes a dribbling reality as you wait (and wait) for them to nod off.

Spa Day - Deep Tissue Massage

Alternate Spa Day - A toddler jumping on your stomach and clawing at your neck with his DEATH nails (he might call this tickle time)

Spa Day - Gentle Back Massage

Alternate Spa Day - Child driving his vehicles over your back, complete with a relaxing soundtrack of 'Beep' 'Vrrrrmmm' and 'Nee na nee na nee na' on repeat.

Spa Day - Yoga

Alternate Spa Day - Moulding your reluctant body into a a bridge / tunnel for your child's entertainment and amusement. Less downward dog, more desperate slob.

Spa Day - Reiki

Alternate Spa Day - Falling asleep with a child's sweaty yet vice like grip in your hair... feel those healing vibes. Or the pain... yep just feel the pain.

Spa Day - Pedicure

Alternate Spa Day - Quickly painting over the year-old nail polish on your toes while your child is in the bath and therefore can't tip the pot all over the carpet. If my husband is reading this, this absolutely did NOT happen and isn't the reason our bedroom smells of acetone. Ahem.

Spa Day - Aromatherapy room with a range of essential oils

Alternate Spa Day - Stinking of Junior Olbas every time your child has a cold. Accompanied by snot wiped over your leg and shoulder in order to truly benefit.

Spa Day - A soak in the Jacuzzi

Alternate Spa Day - A lukewarm bath with the baby, who will probably urinate. Which might give your hair a nice shine, or might just leave you smelling of wee.

Spa Day - Nap on a sun lounger

Alternate Spa Day - Playing sleeping bunnies and waiting a whole five seconds before yelling 'Wake Up!' and being forced to hop around. FYI - I have tried to push it for longer - busted every time.

Spa Day - Hot Stone Massage

Alternate Spa Day - Spending 20 minutes bent over outside - in the rain - collecting stones as 'gifts' for chosen family members (think dead mice presented by cats scenario).

Spa Day - Colonic Hydrotherapy (hmm lovely)

Alternate Spa Day - Going to the toilet with the door open and a toddler constantly flushing the chain and asking to wipe your bum

Spa Day - Mud Wrap

Alternate Spa Day - The transfer of baby poo from the nappy to your hand to your hair - which you don't notice for half an hour.

Spa Day - Plunge pool

Alternate Spa Day - Being attacked with the garden hose.

Spa Day - Lounging in a luxuriously thick, fluffy, WHITE robe

Alternate Spa Day - Watching CBeebies in a Primark dressing gown, complete with various crusty stains.

Spa Day - Freshly prepared salad lunch with a small glass of chilled wine and a variety of fresh fruits and yoghurt

Alternate Spa Day - Half a cold potato waffle (child's leftovers) and a packet of McCoys

Spa Day - Luxurious hotel stay complete with lie-in

Alternate Spa Day - Being pushed out of an over-crowded bed in a clothes-strewn room by a small person yelling 'Wake up! Get up NOW! Milk! Postman Pat! Wake UP!!'

I've put most of these into action over the last 24-hours so am just waiting for the full benefits to take effect. I'm pretty confident the zen feeling will kick in any minute now...

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