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One Sad Mum in Imaginary Conversation With Holly Willoughby

03/11/2015 11:38 GMT | Updated 02/11/2016 09:12 GMT

Sometimes, when I'm enjoying a rare moment of peace, I think about Holly. Peppa or some doughnuts might be babysitting the kids while I gaze out the window, imagining myself on the This Morning couch enjoying a lovely chat and a lovely cup of (hot) tea with the lovely Holly Willoughby. Oh, and Phillip...

HOLLY: OK, thanks for that, Dr Chris. And to the caller in Northumberland, I do hope your pubic hair grows back. Nasty business... So, next up we have a really brilliant mum blogger - gosh, I'm shaking a bit - who I am, quite frankly, completely besotted with. I go on about her all the time, don't I Phil?

PHILLIP: You do, yes. You said if you weren't such a lovely, loyal person you'd ditch Fearne and make her your new best friend.

HOLLY: Yes, it's true I did say that. Sorry Fearne, if you're watching, but this woman is so cool she makes you look like a dorky sixth former who's, like, really into indie music. So anyway, that woman - I can't believe I'm about to meet her - is here! Hi Zeena! Welcome!

ME: [RECLINING NONCHALANTLY, ARMS OUTSTRETCHED ON THE SOFA] Oh hi, Holly. Thanks for having me.

HOLLY: Honestly Zeena, the pleasure is all mine. I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous about meeting you. I'm such a huge fan - I talk about you every- [HOLLY GETS ALL FLUSTERED AND DROPS HER CUE CARDS]

ME: Hey, relax Holly - [I HAND BACK HER CUE CARDS] - I'm a person just like you.

HOLLY: Oh, but were that true! So your blog Word To The Mothers - which I just love by the way - has over a billion subscribers and gets over a gazillion views a day. Rolling Stone magazine described you as, "the most insightful writer of our generation". So clearly you're some sort of literary genius...

ME: Well, I wouldn't say 'genius' exactly Holly, but I guess mums, and people around the entire world, just like the way I'm, like, dead honest about motherhood.

PHILLIP: Isn't that what all mum bloggers claim to be? Honest?

ME: Yeah, but I swear and stuff too Phil, which I think makes me really, really punky. I say 'fuck' a lot and I've even used the 'c' word. Y'know, cu-

PHILLIP: Actually Zeena, do you mind not swearing please? Viewers might take offen-

HOLLY: [INTERRUPTS IRRITATEDLY] Let the woman speak, Phil. Go on Zeena, you were saying...

ME: Thanks Holly. Like I say, I think the global success of my blog and the trillions of pounds it makes me, is largely down to the way I break boundaries and challenge the largely patriarchal views of motherhood. I'm sort of like a suffragette of the mum blogging world, y'know? But I'd never go on hunger strike because I get really crabby if I don't eat...

HOLLY: The Emily Pankhurst of mums? Yes, yes, I totally see that. [GAZES AT ME FOR A WHILE] Where was I? Oh yes! So unsurprisingly, the huge success of your blog has led to a ten-part book deal - your latest international bestseller being a self-help for losing post-baby weight called Shit Yourself Thin...

PHILLIP: Yes, I wanted to ask you about that. Do you really think it's ethical to suggest mums drink a lot of coffee and wine, for a natural laxative effect, as a means of weight loss?

HOLLY: Phillip, I am talking! Apologies again, Zeena. So, aside from writing the critically-acclaimed books, all of which I have by the way, you're also in discussion with Michael Moore about doing his first-ever fictional film based on the blog?

ME: Yes, that's right, Holly. He rang me and said, "Zee" - he calls me that - "Zee," he said, "we gotta do something with this revolutionary, prolific blog of yours. This shit really speaks to people." So we're looking at depicting the life of this really clever mum blogger who overcomes adversity with people saying she's all up herself, posting self-indulgent observations about her life as a mother, and stuff... And then, when she's really pissed off and about to quit blogging, she shuts everyone right up by winning loads of awards like the Pulitzer, the Nobel and Mumsnet's Best Blogger in the Whole Wide World award. So y'know, pretty much autobiographical...

HOLLY: [ONE LONE TEAR RUNS DOWN HER FACE] Beautiful. Just beautiful. And which actress is set to play you?

ME: Angelina Jolie.

HOLLY: Of course.

PHILLIP: You don't actually think you look like-

HOLLY: [THUNDERING WITH RAGE] SCHOLFIELD, I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN! [COMPOSES HERSELF] Well, I wish you so much luck with everything, Zeena, I really do. Thank you for joining us today. You've been the best guest we've ever had in the whole history of the programme, hasn't she Phil?

PHILLIP: Well, I'm not sure I'd-

HOLLY: [TALKING OVER PHILLIP] Y'know, I feel a little embarrassed to admit to this Zeena, but when I've had a rare moment of peace, [GLANCES AT PHILLIP] I've imagined myself interviewing you. I know how silly that must sound...

ME: That's really sweet, Holly. I've never done anything so sad myself of course, but I'm touched, I really am...

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