15/09/2009 08:48 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

Up The Duff Without A Paddle: 10 Ways To Tell I'm Very Pregnant And Life Will Never Be The Same Again

Hi all, I'm back from my mammoth holiday and I'm bigger, clumsier and less fashionable than ever before. Most people bring back exotically flavoured olive oil, a bag of smashed shells or utterly unsuitable nautical objects for their bathrooms from their holidays, but I seem to have brought back about two stones in weight and an even worse backache. I don't know which is worse, come to think of it.

Yes, I am definitely now officially "very pregnant", even though women who are or have been "very very pregnant" tell me that I'm still not "very pregnant" in the slightest. They're wrong I tell you, and here are 10 reasons why.

1. I've not only replaced my lace buttock-skimming sexy boy short lingerie for old school cotton pants, in vast quantities, I've even packed them in the loft. They won't be out again until the next house, or at least that's what it feels like right now!

2. I've borrowed my boyfriend's gran's grabber to get stuff off the floor because bending down is like trying to reach over a space hopper and my thighs aren't quite up to squats yet. Don't worry, gran doesn't need the grabber any more, if you get my drift.3. The thick cotton tights that arrived from Wonder Mummy today, with extendible elastic strip at the "waist" and hammock in the front might look like the end of our sex life to my chap but to me they look like nirvana in a packet. Talking of sex life, let's just say that the Kama Sutra is not bedside reading, whereas Jumbo Book Of Crosswords 2009 is. Virtually.

4. The fluttery kicks and little wriggles of two months ago have turned into the kind of moves that Jordan's new mashed-face bare knuckle fighter fella would be proud of.

5. Sleeping is a nightmare. Seriously, I'm awake every two hours for one reason or another - back hurts, legs hurt, need a wee, need another wee, need another blasted wee. It's apparently "Mother Nature's way" of getting me prepared for all the sleepless nights. I'm writing to inform her that actually, I can do with out the practice.

6. I spent five hours in Ikea on a Saturday. I needed more storage solutions!! Enough said. All of my beauty products, essential old copies of Vogue, half of my shoes and the other half's entire wardrobe have been moved out to make way for baby stuff. I'm craving baby stuff, and I don't even know what baby stuff. Time to get out the excel spreadsheet we were sent.

7. My wardrobe is down to a fifth of its normal size, I'd say, featuring a few dresses, one pair of maternity jeans and uhm that's about it. Apart from "comfort / sportswear". Honestly, some days I am so sportsweared I look like Vicky Pollard. And don't start me on comfortable shoes. Come on people, surely you can see that I'm very pregnant!

8. I can't get through more than 20 minutes of a film or two pages of a book without falling asleep, which is a bit of a problem as I'm desperately trying to read a home-birthing book.

9. Everyone's telling me scary birthing stories.

10. I'm knitting.

So, clearly, I'm right. I am very pregnant (coming up for 29 weeks). I'm still loving it though, and it's nice to be back! I couldn't wait to start nesting. You see, there's another sign!