09/10/2009 04:58 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Confessions Of A Nearly-Dad: The Joys Of Comedy Baby Clothes

This week sees a return of our guest dad columnist, children's author Alex Milway, who is expecting the birth of his first baby in December.

I've always been intrigued by how parents utilise their children as billboards. Be it a statement on the merits of milk or some joke about being "on parole from the naughty step", why waste the opportunity of having your kid say something while it's unable to talk?

I can't help feel, however, that I prefer the joke to be played on the baby, rather than written on it. Surely, that's where the fun lies? At some point in its life, my child is definitely going to find itself dressed from head to toe in a tomato suit.

I mean, we all have to have those moments from our youth that only photos remember - mine is being dressed up in a massive roll of cardboard to look like a cornflake-box Dalek. Not that I can remember it, but I wouldn't have missed that moment for the world.
With all the joys of fatherhood coming my way in the next few months, I'm of the belief that making your baby look faintly ridiculous is not about being cruel, but more about making the most of being the one who chooses the clothes. There will only be a short while before it's wanting stupid t-shirts with Bench or FCUK written on them, after all.

So if you ever see a baby being carted around, dressed like a fruit or a monkey, but still managing to look cooler than the man carrying it, then you know it's me. Because all my clothes money will have been spent on ridiculous outfits for my child.

The third book in Alex Milway's Mousehunter trilogy will be available in January 2010 (Faber & Faber).

Confessions of a Nearly-Dad: the looming deadline of the Due Date