Nicolas Gaitan wouldn't be much use in The Inbetweeners. The Argentine's long been touted for a move from Benfica to Manchester United, but the progress has surmounted to either a done deal or a dead deal. And this morning, it's apparently done.
The Daily Telegraph's Jason Burt, filling in for usual United scribe Mark Ogden, writes United have agreed a £20m-plus deal, with Fabio da Silva and Federico Macheda moving to the Portuguese club as part of the move.
Fabio is to be loaned out for a season while Macheda's move will be a permanent one supposedly. The former was due to move to Sporting Lisbon on loan two seasons ago, but the move fell through much to the dismay of super agent Jorge Mendes, who was overseeing the deal. This may explain why United paid £7m for vagrant Bebe in 2010, who Mendes had recently taken under his wing.
Fresh from a fine finish in Saturday's FA Cup semi-final, Luis Suarez will snub a big-money move to Paris Saint-Germain to stay with Liverpool. The Uruguayan could sign a new contract as he reaffirms his commitment to the Anfield club, claim the Daily Express.
Jamie Carragher was "close to tears" during the weekend's last-four match, he tells the Daily Mail. The win over Everton was "the biggest derby I've played in" and the boyhood Evertonian, at fault for the Toffees' opener confessed he wasn't "sure we would have ever recovered" had the Reds lost to the Blues side at Wembley.
The Daily Star say golf-loving goalscorer Carlos Tevez may still be a Manchester City player next season, according to manager Roberto Mancini. The sometime footballer is still expected to leave the club, despite Mancini's predictions - which have been right lately. (United beat Tottenham and Villa, as he insisted.)
Andy Johnson left Birmingham a popular player, but Brummie rivals Aston Villa are looking to sign him, according to the Daily Mirror. However the Villans' £40,000-a-week wage cap could price boss Alex McLeish out of a Bosman transfer for the Fulham striker at the end of the season.
Tottenham are scouting Manchester United defender Ezekiel Fryers, who will be out of contract at Old Trafford this summer, the Metro suggests.
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, who has managed some theatrical actors in his 15-and-a-half-years at the club, admits foreign players are to blame for introducing diving to the Premier League. However he maintains English players have dutifully followed suit, as Ashley Young took another shameless tumble on Sunday. "Has he heard of Francis Lee?" The Sun doesn't ask.
The Metro also run with The Sunday Times' story that former Barcelona sporting director Txiki Begiristain has emerged as the leading contender to replace Damien Comolli as director of football at Liverpool. Begiristain was apparently recommended to the club by Johan Cruyff, who is not interested in relocating to England's north-west.
Ready to grow up? Mario Balotelli offered hints after he spoke of his shock at the death of Italian midfielder Piermario Morosini, who collapsed during a game after suffering a cardiac arrest on Saturday night. The pair played together for Italy's Under-21s, inform the Mail.