Tulisa Contostavlos still hasn't spoken to her parents about her sex tape scandal because the thought of addressing the issue with her loved ones fills her with dread.
The X Factor judge was blindsided in March when footage of her performing a sex act on her former lover Justin Edwards circulated on the internet.
She took legal action to prove she had not released the clip herself, and her ex-boyfriend admitted at London's High Court that he was behind the leak.
The 24 year old reveals she only spoke to her personal assistant Gareth and her lawyers when she realised the video was available for download - and the revelation sent her into a spin.
In her new memoirs, Honest: My Story So Far, serialised in The Sun, she writes: "When Gareth delivered the news I went completely numb and pulled over to the side of the road, breathless. An internet site was charging $6 to download the film. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
"That night I had a drunken night of full-on denial, partying with my mates pretending nothing had happened. But the next day it hit me like a train. I couldn't stop crying. It was like the whole world was ending.
"I was also devastated and angry with Justin. I hated him for what he'd done and I didn't know why he'd done it. I knew it wasn't just for money. I suppose he must still have been bitter and angry at me for breaking up with him.
"My lawyers were trying to get the website taken down but the damage was done. Absolutely everyone was talking about me - calling me names, having a good old laugh. I felt everyone thought I was some sort of s**t.
"For the next few days, I wouldn't leave the flat. I spoke to Gareth and my lawyers, no one else. The thought of speaking to my family, my mum and dad, filled me with dread. I still haven't done that."
Tulisa also feared her position as a judge on the ITV reality show was at risk.
"By this time, I'd suffered for months. I was moody and tearful, constantly afraid I'd get fired from The X Factor."
Speaking about the impact the sex tape had on her wellbeing, the singer reveals: "I had terrible heart palpitations and despair and panic overwhelmed me."
Tulisa spoke out in a message to fans posted on YouTube.com and she was given a boost over her decision by her then-boyfriend, former Skins actor Jack O'Connell - although she was worried he wasn't fully supporting her.
"I texted back in considerable distress, 'No, I'm not. I'm not good at all.' 12 hours later I'd still had no response. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone who was only pretending to care so I deleted him from my contacts."
After a visit to the doctors, Tulisa had a reply from her boyfriend.
She recalls: "There was a text from Jack asking if I was OK. He had arrived back in London and we met up the next day. It turned out he'd been on a plane when I'd texted him. As soon as I saw him everything started to feel better, easier. For the next three weeks he never left my side. It was the distraction I needed. And as time went on I started to feel stronger."
Tulisa has since put the drama behind her and is determined it won't affect her future.
She says: "I realised I had to pull myself together. I wasn't going to throw my life and career away over one setback. Even my management had to agree I'd made the right decision (about the video message) - despite advising me against it. Always trust your gut instincts. It's a little rule I try to live by."