'Made in Chelsea' TV Review Series 5 Episode 1 - Are These People The Same As Us, Or Different?

So, these champagne-swilling, caviar-quaffing beauties are back on our screens, with stars of 'Made in Chelsea' unravelling trousers from the press and putting the (tiny) dogs in handbags for Series 5.

I'm just wondering to what extent these characters are actually human in the way that, say, the TOWIE types are, or to what extent they're aliens sent down to infuriate and amuse us.

As for human behaviour, there was lots of it on display in last night's return. For example...

Infidelity... Spencer's wrongdoing seemingly forgiven by the serene Louise, while friends looked on in curiosity, pretending not to judge. Yep, that's pretty recognisable.

Money problems... Jamie's ramshackle lifestyle finally got the cold hand of authority knocking at the hotel door, being told "Oscar winners earning £10million a film don't spend money this way." We've all been there.

Bumping into pals from university at clubs... "hotter than I remember". That definitely happens.

Poor Louise... doesn't realise she's dealing with, possibly, the Wrath of Khan

Love triangle... The girls' support of Louise slightly questionable - "I've lost all respect for her. He'll do it again." There's nothing like sisterhood...

Hope over experience... "Do you trust him again?" asked Francis. "Yeah, I do" smiled Louise. The man in question? The charming Spencer... "I made a mistake that I wanted to cover up... that's normal." Fair enough. "He stabbed me in the back for no reason." Hmm, not so much.

Friendship battles... The same charming gent making it clear that his friends were going to have to choose between him and that "loser"... ie the one who told his girlfriend about his cheating ways.

Ok, so we've established that life just as we know it is clearly on display. So how are they different?

Where they hang out... Brekkie at the Beaufort Hotel, wanderings around Battersea Park, boutique spots called Babble, anywhere there's a wineglass. No chats in the quiet corner of the bar for this lot.

The Loathsome One... "I cheated on my girlfriend and you ratted me out, you loser"

How they spend their time... "I've been asked to edit an arts magazine." You're wearing a Trilby. In the day. Of course you have.

What they drink... The beverage bing poured willy nilly into the bath, already full of bubbles - oh, and people - is champagne, probably Krug. And hangovers are helped along, inexplicably, by wearing a hand-me-down fur coat.

What they're called... Proudlock? Has he hopped channel from Game of Thrones?

Where they live... "Where do you guys live?" "Chelsea." And everybody laughs. Honkingly.

Most of all, what they say... For Jamie, it wasn't just a holiday, it was "a game-changer". Even Francis, the only one with any sign of a reasonable head on posh young shoulders, gave it away when defending his honour to a fleeting love interest, telling her "I haven't done anything untoward." I acknowledge you, Mr Darcy. Thankyou, Miss Bennett.

But, the very worst crime, the biggest giveaway of all... comes, naturally, from Loathsome Spencer, whom I shall call Spence, just to upset the spaceship. SPEAKING FRENCH TO THE WAITER! Nobody does that. Not English people. Not French people in England. Only puffed-up, self-loving, self-loathing peacock aliens.

Final, fatal proof, then. You may give us a very guilty pleasure, you Chelsea teamers, but we're onto you. You may have your battles, your binges, your Battersea power-walks like us earthlings, but, truly, you're in a world of your own.

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