Corbis
Oh, how I long to have the sophisticated dress sense of Victoria Beckham and the naturally gorgeous glow of Beyoncé!
I'd even settle for the shiny, bouncy hairdo of the yummy mummy who frequents my local soft play with her TWINS. How do they do it? It's obvious: they are bionic, and one day I will prove it.
Anyway, back here on Planet Normality, there are myriad ways your sense of, er, 'style' might change when you become a mum. Come on, please – it CAN'T be just me!
Cleanliness is close to Godessness
Had a baby? Noticed people grimacing at the supermarket checkout? That is because you rarely leave the house without being decorated in some kind of bodily fluid. It's not laziness, you just haven't noticed: I mean, who can see properly after being up five times in the night? Goddesses we are not.
Comfort vs style
You loved those elasticated waistbands when you were pregnant, didn't you? That's fair enough. But the truth is, you STILL love them don't you? You can't bring yourself to do without them, can you? No new mother will judge you for this, but maybe wear a long top.
Keeping face
Putting on some make-up in the morning might now be less a case of 'will I be leaving the house today?' as much as it is 'will I be leaving the house today and, if I do, how likely am I to bump into someone I know from my former life?'
Oh, and if you haven't started using baby wipes to remove your make-up yet, well, you will.
Old bags
Has your cute and classy handbag been usurped by a huge and cumbersome changing bag? No?! Good for you!
I bet I can guess what's in that handbag of yours though: wipes, miniature Sudocrem, snotty tissues, an odd sock, a handful of loose raisins and the remains of various bready snacks their crumbs infiltrating your mobile phone case even as you read this.
A good match (er, no!)
The fact is, if you're the one at home (I'm sure this goes for Reluctant House Dads, too!) yours is always the last washing to get done. And that's why the phrase 'red and green should never be seen' will have no place in your house.
If anyone suggests your outfit is clashing, tell them to be thankful you're not wearing your pyjamas.
Best foot forward
Not everyone actually crosses this line, but at some point, you might well have this thought: 'I could just pop to the corner shop in my slippers... couldn't I?! They're QUITE like shoes...'
Banish the bling
Babies like to wrench ear rings off lobes and eat them; toddlers like to put bracelets in the washing machine so it makes that exciting noise; young children like burying 'treasure'.
Hide all your jewellery immediately. You might not be sparkling, but if you wear the good stuff, you risk being physically assaulted and robbed... by your own offspring.
Hair today...
...will be even greyer tomorrow.
Actually, there's much debate over whether stress and lack of sleep increases the onset of grey or white hair, but I don't care what the science says – it definitely does.
What the heck, some celebs dye their hair grey deliberately. Remember Kelly Osbourne. Therefore, we are cool. Ish.
Accessorise to the max
Still on the hair theme, but only really applicable for those who have daughters, there will come a day when the dry shampoo just doesn't cut it. You'll look, but will not be able to find a scrunchie anywhere in the house and, because even YOU wouldn't go to the bank with a pair-of-pants-ponytail, you'll give in and step outside wearing Peppa Pig hair clips.
The day you realise you just don't care
Your babies might have turned to toddlers, or even fully-fledged children; your love for their company and and their laughter will have totally obliterated your love for looking sane, let alone glamorous.
And you will prove this by answering the door wearing fairy wings, deely boppers and a neon orange tutu.
More on Parentdish: The yummy moments of motherhood - not!
Have you had a style drop-off since having children? Or are you always immaculate?
What's been your worst style fail? Go on, share...