14/08/2014 16:40 BST | Updated 20/05/2015 10:12 BST

The Idiot Box: 10 Things You Need To Know About TV This Week


1. Educating Joey Essex (ITV2, Sunday, 9pm) is one of those programmes that's just a title desperately searching for a format. The resulting show, which sees Joey Essex sent to Africa "for an education", is pointless drivel. This is television made by cynical, hashtag-seeking bastards for a TV audience so used to being served up dross that they simply shrug their shoulders and watch it. Joey gets bitten by a monkey in a waistcoat. Hilarious! Joey asks if there's Wi-Fi in the middle of the bush. OMIGOD! Philip Schofield on the voiceover takes the piss out of Joey for the 23rd time for not being able to pronounce things properly! LOLLLLZZZZ! If you are even considering watching this programme, you need to have a stern word with yourself.

2. Having previously blogged about Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model for this site, I thought I'd check out the American version to compare notes. Safe to say, they do things a little differently in the US. America's Next Top Model (Sky Living, Thursday, 8pm) is still vapid nonsense, but it's vapid nonsense on crack - the editing is so quick that it must surely endanger epileptics. Tyra Banks seems to thinks she's in a sitcom, and the models' house is bitchier than backstage at Crufts. One or two people (probably one) might be disappointed no room has been made for Dannii Minogue, but there's a social media expert called Bryanboy, who wears a lovely fez and veil combo, to make up for it. America's Next Top Model The College Edition

3. Insane Fight Club (BBC One, Tuesday, 10.35pm), a documentary about the underground wrestling scene in Scotland, might sound terrible, but it's worth watching for Grado, the bloke who puts most of the insanity into Insane Championship Wrestling. We see him greeting a fellow wrestler at the airport dressed in his leotard and a bum bag, shovelling chips in his gob, and paying a visit to a bemused Nicky Clarke for a colour and cut. As Grado puts it, "I'm a chubby wee chancer and I'm about as fit as my gran." Give that man a series.

4. The Taste (Channel 4, Tuesday, 9pm) is going to be put out of its misery this week and for that we can all be thankful. This spoon-obsessed cookery competition is a poorly thought out Masterchef rip off, and judging by Nigella's half-hearted contributions, she must have known it from the start.

5. A new chat show hosted by Michael McIntyre (BBC One, Monday, 10.35pm) is a dire enough prospect, but the fact the Beeb have stuck it on a Monday night and lumbered the alleged comedian with an uninspiring opening guest list of Terry Wogan, Lilly Allen and Lord Sugar doesn't bode well for the rest of the series.

6. The Silence of the Lambs on Tuesday night is undoubtedly the pick of this week's films (ITV4, 10.30pm), but Unrelated (BBC Two, Saturday, 12,10am) is also one to watch. This arthouse drama set in Tuscany might irritate some viewers but it's worth a look to see how a young Tom Hiddleston got his career up and running.

7. Line of Duty (BBC Two, Wednesday, 9pm) might be starting to get ridiculous with the kidnapping of Keeley Hawes's DI Denton and the fact that DS Arnott continues to pull every female who comes within three feet of him, but it's still one of the best things on the box at the moment.

8. Craftily placed question exclamation marks make Can't Pay? We'll Take it Away! sound like a zany quiz show hosted by Shane Ritchie. In fact it's a fly on the wall documentary about bailiffs. It's on Channel 5 (Monday, 9pm), obviously - watch a full episode below...

9. With BBC Three on the way out, we should get our fill while we can. This week's highlights include Ja'mie- Private School Girl (Wednesday, 10pm), Bluestone 42 (Thursday, 10pm) and, a repeat of an episode of my all time favourite BBC Three series, Don't Tell The Bride (Thursday, 7pm).

10. And finally, the spruced-up version of Catchphrase (ITV1, Sunday, 7pm) is back for a new series. Not much to say about it, except it gives us a good excuse to watch that video of Mr Chips "spending some time with himself"...

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