14/08/2014 16:36 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

The Idiot Box: What To Watch This Week

As we all know, everybody's TV watching life is on hold until the King of the Idiot Box, Danny Dyer, makes his EastEnders debut on Christmas day. But during the upcoming seven days, you can distract yourself with these stonkers and stinkers...

Must watch... I should probably be recommending The Face (Sky Living, Monday, 8pm) in a week's time, just before the final, but where would the fun be in that? The only reason anyone watches this kind of pap is to revel in other people's misfortune, so what could be more enjoyable than seeing people booted off their 'journey' so close to the end? In this week's show the wannabe models head to Paris for a handbag assignment on the banks of the Seine. Erin O'Connor is desperate for one of her girls to win a challenge for the first time in the series, while Naomi Campbell dishes out her customary sage advice. "Chin down is real fashion," is this week's pebble of wisdom. Despite this, a "big dog called Enzo" steals the show.


Maybe watch... The Choir (BBC Two, Monday, 9pm) returned last week, with Gareth Malone pitting different workplace choirs against one another. Tonight he takes his weird facial hair and bright trousers to Birmingham City Council, a prospect he's not exactly looking forward to. "In my mind all I can see is bins," he says, as he drives into the second city. Of course, once there, Gareth's able to find plenty of keen singers, eccentrics and sob stories. Morale is low at the council due to budget cuts, so he decides to cheer everyone up by making them sing The Only Way is Up by Yazz.


Not eating for a week would be more fun than watching... UK Gold has made a spectacularly unfunny age gap sitcom, You, Me and Them (Tuesday, 7pm), which UK Gold definitely won't be repeating in years to come.

Also showing... Lady Gaga talks about her new album in an interview for The Culture Show (BBC Two, Wednesday, 10pm), while everyone's favourite fictional Danish female politician, Birgitte Nyborg, is back in the third series of Borgen (BBC Four, Saturday, 9pm).


Absurd Five documentary of the week... Got Thin - Got Fat Again (Monday, 9pm).

Film of the Week... Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan (Channel 4, Saturday, 9pm) is undoubtedly the one to catch. It's got fierce eye make-up, stabbings, lesbianism, Vincent Cassel and ballet. What more could you want?


Catch up with... If you've got a job then the chances are you haven't seen Paul Hollywood's Pies and Puds, the latest show from the hunky baker/love rat, which is currently filling part of the Beeb's daytime schedule. The first three episodes are up here, meaning all those suffering from Great British Bake Off withdrawal can go some way to alleviating the pain.