BREAKING NEWS: Company Releases Phone

It's official: a company has released a phone.

The multi-billion-dollar corporation unveiled the design of its latest smartphone at a huge event somewhere in America.

The phone, which is a rectangle made of metal, plastic and glass, is said to be lighter, thinner, stronger, better, faster and more elegant than the previous generation.

Above: the new phone

The piece-of-trash previous model, which was described as "more beautiful than the miracle of birth" at its own launch event 12 months ago, is now officially obsolete.

The new phone comes with a slightly better camera and a new style of antenna, which almost certainly will allow you to make phone calls if you're standing exactly next to a mobile phone mast.

It keeps the other core features of the original phone intact, such as the "all-morning" battery and easily cracked screen, which were described by the company as "beloved hallmarks" of the original device.

The new phone was announced alongside the company's new 'smart' watch, which is exactly like a watch except it has a battery that only lasts 12 hours and can tell you when you have a new email if your phone is in your pocket.

The brand new phone will be available in various sizes, colours and configurations, all of which come attached to 48-month contracts with the mobile network of your 'choice'.

Your old phone will be incinerated by the company at no extra cost when you upgrade.

Meanwhile the tech press has already picked up on rumours coming from suppliers in China that the company's new new phone - set for release in September 2015 - has already entered pre-production. The unannounced next-gen phone is said to be lighter, thinner, faster and have a higher-resolution screen than the version announced 15 minutes ago.