16/09/2014 07:32 BST | Updated 16/09/2014 08:59 BST

Portuguese Professor João Magueijo, Who Teaches At London Uni, Writes Book Calling English 'Disgusting Beasts'
The charming Professor João Magueijo

One professor is sure to be met with stony silence from his students when he returns to university after penning a book describing English people as "disgusting wild beasts".

João Magueijo, who teaches physics at Imperial College, London, wrote Bifes Mal Pasados - which translates as undercooked beef - to rather viciously lays into his host country's culture.

In the novel, which is dedicated to the Queen, the charming professor writes: "When you visit English homes, or the toilets at schools or in student lodgings, they are all so disgusting that even my grandmother's poultry cage is cleaner...

"The English are unrestrained wild beasts and are totally out of control."

According to the Portuguese 47-year-old, we are "always fighting". "I never met such a group of animals. English culture is pathologically violent.

"It is not unusual to drink 12 pints, or two huge buckets of beer, per person. Even a horse would get drunk with this but in England it is standard practice.

"In England real men have to drink like sponges, eat like skeletons and throw up everything at the end of the evening."

Magueijo takes aim at one female Cambridge University student - where he was once a don - who vomited during a formal dinner and continued eating "as if nothing had happened", the Telegraph reported.

In fact, English women are blasted for their promiscuity.

"Oral sex is not considered a sexual act among the English. It is something a woman can perform on a stranger whose name she doesn't even know... No one cares."

The book is unfortunately not yet available in English

Describing a four hour wait in an A&E department in Blackpool one Sunday, he describes it as a "field hospital after battle".

And it's not his only issue with Blackpool, whose beaches he says are an ideal place to spot "human whales".

"They say 'it's grim up north'... and now I see why.

"People in the north are incredibly obese, men and women with three-metre waists made of fat and lard."

Magueijo also ponders the "deplorable" English diet, saying the food is "based on greasy stuff and unspeakable artificial lard", the Daily Mail reported.

Even fish and chips does not escape the learned chap's biting tongue, being so greasy it "makes you want to wash it with detergent before eating".

"[It is] a thin layer of the animal covered in many inches of batter, sometimes ten times bigger than the actual fish."

The book has sold 20,000 copies in his native Portugal, but unfortunately is not yet available in English.

When asked if he was worried about a backlash, Professor Magueijo told The Sunday Times he was sure the British would see the funny side.