A bungling burglar was so desperate for "sexual relief" he had sex with a teddy bear, leaving semen all over the unfortunate toy which allowed police to identify him.
Paul Mountain told Blackburn Magistraes' Court he had been coming down off amphetamine as he burgled a shed in Darwn, a small market town in Lancashire, according to the Lancashire Telegraph.
The 38-year-old, who lives in the town, was arrested for burglary after police retrieved his DNA from semen inside the teddy bear.
Mountain pleaded guilty to burglary with intent to steal, telling police he had felt an ‘overwhelming need’ for sexual relief.
Prosecutor Dominic Howells said the allotment owner where the shed was targeted had arrived to see all the contents spread around and the violated bear.
"That was passed to the police and semen found inside came back to this defendant," Howells told magistrates. "He told officers he was coming down off amphetamine and felt overwhelming need for sexual relief."
It's not the first time teddy bears have been the downfall of unusual criminals. Charles Marshall of Cincinnati has three previous convictions for either public indecency or disorderly conduct with a teddy bear.
Cracked explains that people who are aroused by teddy bears can be diagnosed with Ursusagalmatophilia.
"This is also known as Plushophilia in some circles, although this term includes any stuffed animal and is not specific to teddy bears," Cracked notes.