20/01/2015 18:49 GMT | Updated 20/05/2015 10:12 BST

How NOT To Wean Your Baby

Baby Boy Feeding Himself Carrot Puree
'For the first year, FOOD IS FUN!' Oh yes. I'm laughing my flipping head off. Aren't you? Here's what you need to know.

1. Baby-led weaning or puree? The main factor in making this decision is how you want to clean up food from the floor. Massacred florets of broccoli? Or pureed broccoli smeared into the kitchen tiles? Because regardless of how it goes in, that's where it all ends up. On the floor.

2. Choose foods carefully. Especially if your baby has a cold. Unless you enjoy being sneezed over with a mouthful of porridge. And let's face it, who doesn't enjoy that?

3. Always wear a bib. You. Not the baby. Because the food that doesn't end up on the floor? Ends up on you. (See above.)

4. If you like sweet potato, do NOT feed this to your baby. Because after serving it every day and watching it come out the other end looking exactly the same as it went in, you won't want to touch it. Ever again. Superfood or not.

5. Do not get conned into buying a 'weaning kit.' Contrary to what experts, shops and catalogues will tell you, your baby WILL learn to eat without the following: 'special' weaning shaped bowls, 'special' weaning spoons, Bumbos, highchairs and sterilising wipes. Very soon, your baby will be licking the floor and probably the cat's bowl. So why not save yourself some cash and just serve it in there to start with?

6. Chicken stock. You do NOT need to roast an Oxbridge educated, caviar fed, multi-lingual chicken just to get organic, low salt stock for your baby. Whilst this is a fun way to spend a Saturday night, it's exactly why OXO was invented.

7. Puree, glorious puree! Likewise, you do not need to boil, puree and freeze every fruit and vegetable you come into contact with. Not only will your baby decide he hates carrots, but if Mum goes to Iceland, she'll have nowhere to store the Chicago Town pizzas.

8. 'Organic produce is the best start you can give your baby.' Maybe. But ask yourself this. Are you going to be feeding him Wotsits, Hula Hoops and Minion iced biscuits at his first birthday party? No? OK then, if you say so.

9. 'Never give a baby chocolate.' This is a given, right? Except that unbeknown to you, your baby first tasted it shortly after birth, when you left the room quickly to go for a poo and your toddler shoved a chocolate finger in the baby's mouth.

10. 'Food is fun!' You'll constantly be told that, for the first year, 'Food is fun!' Remember this. When your baby pukes REAL sick all over you.
When he turns his nose up at the pureed chicken casserole you've spent six hours slow cooking. When he throws spinach puree at you in utter disgust, 30 seconds before the school run.

Happy weaning!

This article is republished with kind permission from the blog Amy Ransom's Guide to Surviving Life and Motherhood (Just). Follow Amy on Twitter and Facebook for more funny and frank posts.