LIFESTYLE
11/02/2015 08:07 GMT | Updated 11/02/2015 08:59 GMT

'I'm So Very Tired' - Writer Tries All The 'Sex Stuff' From Fifty Shades Of Grey In One Weekend

As far as writing briefs go, one journalist definitely pulled the short straw in assignments when her editor asked to try all the 'sex stuff' from Fifty Shades of Grey in one weekend.

Girding her loins, the writer for Marie Claire embarked on the first position of the day called The Deflower. This presented little challenge, as it was her standard Saturday morning activity with her boyfriend anyway.

But then things ramp up with the second sex session of the day, and the description is brilliant.

"This is just doggy-style sex. And it's literally doggy-style because I am barking orders at him. This is not something we generally do or even like, so the slow thrusts were punctuated by giggles. Which is definitely sexy, but maybe not BDSM sexy. It's more like goofy sexy. As in the dog, Goofy. The Disney character."

50 shades

By the fourth time, she writes: "Four times in one day? What is this? The Olympics? All I want to do is eat cake and watch Gilmore Girls, but I somehow feel too dirty for either of these things."

The Mr Grey Nipple Rub ends with her boyfriend squeezing her breast and going 'honk', after which she says: "I'm starting to think he's not taking this that seriously." By midnight, she's utterly exhausted.

The next day starts at 9am with The Bed Post Bend with a very enthusiastic start from her boyfriend. But by the end, the author concludes that for all this talk of Fifty Shades being about the subjugation of women, we get a pretty good deal.

"I realise that we've done the same thing, like, 50 times in the past two days," she writes. "For all its bluster, Fifty Shades is just a bunch of oral into missionary. And I like it. I mean, it's, like, the easiest lady sex ever. It's all work for him—my boyfriend is just a dead-eyed thrusting robot at this point—and all enjoyment for the lady."

To read the full piece, click here. It's genius.

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