1 in 5 people die from anorexia. There were five of us in a room at hospital and statistically that meant that 1 of us would die.
Recovery is such a tricky thing for someone who has an eating disorder. You never think you will reach a day when you don't feel fat and will not count calories. There are no fancy drugs to take to cure it, no definite answer about the cure, and no way of telling how you are going to feel from one day to the next.
When people ask me if I am recovered from my eating disorder I never know what to say... Yes I am a healthy weight, I exercise and eat in a healthy manner but no, I wouldn't say I am one hundred percent recovered. To each individual it means something completely unique. To me it is so much more than just being a healthy weight, it means letting go of the whole thing and not projecting the control onto something else.
There have been times through my recovery when I have wanted to give up. I remember in first year at university, we had our first year summer ball. I had spent hours choosing a beautiful purple dress. When I tried it on the night before it felt tight, it made me look like a round juicy purple plum... I felt like giving up everything that night. I remember crying and crying lying in bed wishing I had skipped dinner and had listened when my anorexia had told me to not eat in the run up to it... But I woke up the next morning, went for a run, gave myself a shake, and ate. Since I came out of hospital this has happened on numerous occasions. When something bad happens the first thing I think is to skip a meal. But for me, skipping even one meal is too dangerous to do! Even five years into my recovery it would be a risk I would not be willing to take.
In my lifetime two people I know have died of anorexia! This infuriates me now, when I hear of people not eating, or I see someone with an eating disorder I want to go and shout at them! Tell them to stop being so stupid. But there is so much more to it than that, so much more than just not eating! And for each person it is unique. Maybe that's why it is so hard to define recovery?
I am at a point in my life, I have a boyfriend, a job, and I am happy! There is too much at stake to even think about returning to my eating disorder. As I sit here now, I can feel my anorexia prodding me, telling me to stop being stupid and to stop eating. But NO anorexia I will not let you win! Not this time and not ever again in my life! I don't think I will ever fully let go of her, but at least now I am in control of her!
Stand tall little girl, and face the world. Make sure you get up every time you fall.