Blitzkrieg Breakfast

21/09/2011 12:11 BST | Updated 20/11/2011 10:12 GMT

Wow; here's some news: Germans like sausages.

According to reports today, Germany is finally waking up to the sizzling sound of the Great British Fry Up (GBFU).

We're talking the full monty, people. A pair of battery farmed fried eggs, rashers of watery back bacon, greasy bulked-out pork sausages, runny baked beans, spongey mushrooms and half a grilled tomato that's always too undercooked to eat. Add a round of pappy toast smeared with cheap margarine and a mug of tea made with the sweepings of the PG Tips factory floor, and you have the breakfast of champions.

I'm no body fascist and I'm not against the GBFU for reasons of the waistline. Indeed there's no finer sight than a bunch of blokes with bellies big as basketballs tucking into a plate of deep fried protein. It makes me come over all protective, patriotic, and vaguely nostalgic. Goody two shoes health freaks who suggest fresh fruit and yogurt make a finer start to the day are deluded. A breakfast like that means you'll be reaching for a packet of HobNobs come 11am. I should know.

I'm not even railing against the GBFU for reasons of vegetarianism, either. I was a non meat eater for over 20 years, but resumed an omniverous diet after being tempted by a pair of slow-cooked ox cheeks. I went on to consume my own weight in charcuterie and ribeyes in the first year, which, I assure you, is no mean feat.

The reason I'm not inclined to the GBFU is because we'ved all been duped. It's the product of one of the biggest spin doctoring mind manipulations ever. The daddy of modern PR, Edward Bernays, was Sigmund Freud's nephew and understood the power of psychology in advertising and subliminal influencing of the masses.

He was on the bacon payroll (tomato or brown sauce?) in order to promote sales of cheap cured pork. He sent doctors a survey with leading questions, then reported their "recommendation" that people eat heavy breakfasts. Bernays then sent the results to 5,000 physicians along with publicity stating bacon and eggs was the ideal hefty meal to start the day, encouraging them to tell their patients of this new "doctor-approved" finding.

If you think Bernays pushing bacon on medical professionals unethical, then you'll be interested to know that Bernays was Jewish. Heaven knows what his Rabbi (let alone his mother) thought. Regardless, Bernays's PR stunt worked; we've been welded to the crack pipe that is the GBFU ever since.

And new we're exporting it to the Germans. Perhaps we've finally got our revenge.