If you are looking for advice on how to get your baby to sleep or what to expect when you are expecting, then DO NOT read my book.
However, if you are looking for some laughter and inspiration while trying to take care of a baby on barely any sleep then this is the book for you!
Before I began banging on about babies, I worked as a journalist for a wide range of newspapers, magazines and websites. I wrote about everything from health issues and travel to wheelie bins and music. I also got to interview many famous(ish) people including Phil Mitchell, Chesney Hawkes (three times, lucky me) and Poirot.
These days I write words for Metro UK, goodhousekeeping.co.uk, Mirror Online and the New Statesman. I am also a scriptwriter and was a finalist in the Funny Women Awards 2016.
My blog posts have been featured as Mumsnet Blog of the Day, Netmums Blog of the Day, Scary Mommy and Mail Online.
They say laughter is the best medicine but it was only when I became a mum that I realised just how true that is. Humour not only helped me survive the dark days but it helped me gain confidence as a mother and connect me with so many parents who were experiencing the same things as I was.
The Internet is great for parents. Not only can you find information on ALL THE STUFF, there are an abundance of chat forums, Facebook groups and websites where you might just find your 'virtual village'. However, there are a few people who just have to ruin it for everyone...
have this old friend. She occasionally turns up at my door, totally out of the blue. I don't see much of her any more but when she is here, it's like she has never been away. We met shortly after the birth of my eldest child. She came into my life and managed to get her feet firmly under the table.
As a mother of two young children, I know how hard it can be to get everybody up and out of the door before 9am. When you have spent the morning battling to feed, dress and wash children who do not WANT to be dressed, fed and washed, by the time you arrive at the school you often have no idea what you are wearing.
Since having babies I have told a few lies. I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive. The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil...
I felt my daughter needed to be close to me while she slept. My gut was telling me that she did not yet feel secure enough to sleep alone. But what the hell did my gut know? My gut hasn't got childcare qualifications or written a book. It doesn't have 68 million followers on Twitter or any 'scientific research' to back it up.
They read her books about sleepy rabbits, tired bears and exhausted princesses. They sang her lullabies that instructed her to 'sleep, baby sleep' or to 'hush little baby' - yet still she remained wide-awake. <em>(Not sleepy yet? Maybe I am reading it too quickly.)</em>
If you have tried every trick in the bedtime book and your offspring is still wide awake then maybe it is time to call it a day, well, a night! Take yourself and your little one into another room. Watch TV, have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Enjoy your baby, enjoy being with your partner and calm the hell down!
The media is obsessed with lactating females. If we are not reading about the latest superpower to be discovered in breast milk we are hearing about idiots objecting to mothers breastfeeding in public places.
I did not believe I had PND. My perception of the illness was based largely on the front page news stories about mothers harming themselves or their children and TV dramas that showed women with PND pushing their pram into the road.
It is not like babies fresh from the womb are that interesting - they sleep, feed and poo. That is about it. I can send you a picture of that. But if you really must simply 'pop in' and welcome my little one to the world then at least adhere to the RULES.
Strong is the new pretty. Not giving a shit is the new beauty. Eye bags are the new black. So wriggle out of those tiny jeans, throw out the frilly thongs and embrace the glory that is comfort clothing!
Not all women. Most women totally rock. But some, quite frankly, need to chill the hell out. It seems that however you choose to live your life as a female of the species, it will never, ever be good enough for these women.
You and your partner agree to have an 'early' night. Search the underwear drawer for something other than pyjamas. Options are; nighties (baggy tee shirts), comfortable knickers, two old maternity bras, three used breast pads or a random thong that must have escaped the Great Thong Purge of 2010.
So from now, when a fellow parent informs me that little Jack has been self-soothing his little arse off since he was three weeks old or suggests a sleep-solution 'I must try', I shall smile and share with them the joy of living with a 'sleep-hater".
29/01/2015 15:19 GMT
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