If you are looking for advice on how to get your baby to sleep or what to expect when you are expecting, then DO NOT read my book.
However, if you are looking for some laughter and inspiration while trying to take care of a baby on barely any sleep then this is the book for you!
Before I began banging on about babies, I worked as a journalist for a wide range of newspapers, magazines and websites. I wrote about everything from health issues and travel to wheelie bins and music. I also got to interview many famous(ish) people including Phil Mitchell, Chesney Hawkes (three times, lucky me) and Poirot.
These days I write words for Metro UK, goodhousekeeping.co.uk, Mirror Online and the New Statesman. I am also a scriptwriter and was a finalist in the Funny Women Awards 2016.
My blog posts have been featured as Mumsnet Blog of the Day, Netmums Blog of the Day, Scary Mommy and Mail Online.
"CAN EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN GET DRESSED!" You shout. Loudly. Too loudly. The baby is now crying. You feel so guilty you given them two biscuits and read them a story in your top and underwear.
The Sand. WARNING. This delicious looking crumbly stuff does not taste like biscuit. I repeat it does not taste like biscuit. It took me at least ten mouthfuls to work this out but I can now confirm, without a doubt, that sand is definitely not biscuit-flavoured.
You are probably going to get fat, have heart disease, anxiety and depression... Despite how bad you might feel, you are not going to actually DIE from lack of sleep. Chances are you won't even pass out. Some days it may feel like you have 'hit the wall' and can't go on but you WILL survive.
In fact, some days I don't even feel sleepy any more. So I think I am ok. "I feel fine," I smile to myself sipping on my super strong coffee. "Today I am going to Get Stuff Done." And it is on these days I decide to leave the house. Big mistake.
My first baby did not like to sleep. My second baby does not like to sleep. The first time around we tried everything. The second time around we tried everything else. Turns out everything and everything else do not work on my babies...
My mother never really wore make up when I was a child. She didn't spend hours in the morning putting her face on, straightening her hair or painting her nails. She never French plaited my hair, dressed me up in frilly clothes that I had to 'keep clean', threw me a mini-makeover party or bought me sparkly princess shoes.
In order to maintain marital harmony there are some things that are better off left unsaid. These include any reference to being tired (you are never as tired as the other person) and NEVER under any circumstances admit you are trying to <em>skive off</em> babies.
According to the experts, when you have children regular date nights with your partner are the key to a successful relationship. Forget communication, mutual love and respect or not marrying a dick; apparently the secret to a happy and healthy relationship is to go on a date. At flipping night. But according to me (expert on nothing) this is rubbish. Here is why...
I would like to request to the national media that they do NOT bombard us with countless guides to Getting a Post Baby Body like A Pop star/Princess/Anyone Thin Who Was Once On X Factor, as part of their ongoing campaign to turn us into an image-obsessed, size zero society. Because, and I think I speak for a lot of new mums when I say, we don't actually give a toss.
03/04/2014 12:27 BST
SUBSCRIBE AND FOLLOW
Get top stories and blog posts emailed to me each day. Newsletters may offer personalized content or advertisements.