Nick Abbot

LBC 97.3 talk show host, DJ and writer.

Currently, I am heard on LBC 97.3 in London and online on Friday and Saturday at 10pm.

I have three collections of columns on Amazon, the latest of which is here :
Reasons to Be Fearful, Part

Reasons to Be Fearful, Part 3,456,872

Britain is offering 1,000 troops and the tanks they can still start to NATO so they can put on a show in Poland that they think will put Vlad the Insaner back in his box...
09/06/2014 13:15 BST
A Functionary's Meddling Is Never

A Functionary's Meddling Is Never Done

Modern life is rubbish. Actually, modern life is sorting rubbish. And then paying someone to take it away. This is on top of your council tax, which you thought covered that, but doesn't...
05/06/2014 11:11 BST
The Tale of the Masticating

The Tale of the Masticating Miliband

If Ed doesn't get himself some new Public Relations drones, it might be one of the few options open to him come the next election. I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that's something that no-one wants to see.
27/05/2014 13:06 BST
How Do You Like Your

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

Pollution is changing your sex. If pollution was getting you more sex, it would be nice. It isn't though, and it may just deprive you of having it for the rest of your life, particularly if you are are a thick-lipped grey mullet. That's not me getting personal, that is their actual name.
09/05/2014 17:08 BST
Prepare to be

Prepare to be Terminated

Are you comfortably middle class? Being comfortably middle class used to mean never having to worry about your job being taken by a machine. The people whose livelihoods have been decimated by computer chips are those that did society's heavy lifting.
08/05/2014 15:00 BST

P.E? N.O!

Would you like to join me in some exercise? Just kidding, of course you wouldn't. The nearest to exercise that most people get is hoisting their arm up to sign their gym membership application forms. It is also the last time they will ever go there, in the same way that no-one that has ever bought a popcorn machine will ever use it.
01/05/2014 12:41 BST
Won't Cook, Won't

Won't Cook, Won't Cook

This is weird because the only programmes on television that are not traipsing around looking at homes that people aren't going to buy, are those showing viewers how to prepare dinner.
29/04/2014 12:16 BST
Seconds Out - Round

Seconds Out - Round Two

What a couple of ding-dongs! The debates, I mean, not those taking part. LBC and the BBC allowed our two heroes to square up to each other over the course of a brace of battles. Who came out the winner?
04/04/2014 10:30 BST
How Not To Get Kate Bush

How Not To Get Kate Bush Tickets

"How would you like to pay?" Bash in credit card details and notice that the booking fee for each ticket is £7.50. Postage is £2.50. Starting to experience rising anger. Don't get sidetracked.
28/03/2014 16:18 GMT
How to Succeed in Politics in Seven Easy

How to Succeed in Politics in Seven Easy Lessons

If you follow these rules and still don't get any MPs at the next general election, worry not. You will have, at the very least, gained notoriety and fame, you will be more powerful than you were and you will have made rich, helpful contacts that would otherwise not have been available to you, and if that doesn't spell political success, I don't know what does.
03/03/2014 13:27 GMT
God Save the Queen... From Being a

God Save the Queen... From Being a Man

When David Cameron put forward legislation to legalise same sex marriage, he can not have imagined the full implications of this new law. Or, to put it another, more Ukip-ian way: the PM made a big mistake when he rammed gay marriage down our throats.
26/02/2014 10:34 GMT
It's SO

It's SO Unfair!

The kids are revolting. And they are revolting against stereotyping by the media. That is so typical of them, what with their whining and their egotism and their thinking that they are the centre of the universe. Unless that is stereotyping, in which case I take it back (and taking things back is typical of the lilly-livered, spineless middle aged).
19/02/2014 14:47 GMT
Moving Part 2: Top Tips For

Moving Part 2: Top Tips For Success

Much to my amazement, and despite me looking REALLY hard for any signs of destruction, it seems that absolutely everything that the removal men were given charge of has arrived in the same condition that it was before they set about moving it.
18/12/2013 12:27 GMT
Moving Part One: Prelude to the

Moving Part One: Prelude to the Horror

I am moving flat. This has led to a massive upheaval, mostly in my cupboards. My cupboards contain what must be the world's largest collection of things that no-one could ever want or need. There are things in there that make a video cassette player look useful. And there's a video cassette player.
28/11/2013 13:12 GMT
In Out, In Out, Smoking All

In Out, In Out, Smoking All About

The problem of drugs in society will not be solved by allowing drugs in prison, but it might make the time go more quickly for the inmates and it might make the job easier for the guards. And if it is true that drugs are as easily available inside as a latte is on the outside, then that rather makes the "War On Drugs" even more unlikely ever to be won...
28/11/2013 11:16 GMT
New Drugs

New Drugs Warning

Incredible news: cocaine makes you stupid. That's right, you heard it here first. For years, models/actors/whatever have been on the C-Plan diet in the hope that not only will it make them skinny but also interesting and sexy as well. Turns out they were wrong on all counts.
22/11/2013 14:21 GMT
Dreaming of Not Being

Dreaming of Not Being Average

Can you imagine the pent up tsunami of disappointment that awaits the young when they grow up and discover that Simon Cowell will not be rescuing them from their drab and pedestrian existences and catapulting them to riches and stardom? Just think how upset they will be when they find out that Jay Z and Rihanna will never be returning their calls.
14/11/2013 12:59 GMT
Some Ideas Are Born

Some Ideas Are Born Bad

This Wednesday it is <a href="" target="_hplink">International Learn To Love The Swastika Day</a>. I am not making that up. Tattoo parlours across the globe are offering a free swastika tattoo on the body part of your choice, to embrace the symbol and bring it back to our bosoms, or biceps, or wherever you decide to have one put.
11/11/2013 12:06 GMT
Money - There's Too Much Of It

Money - There's Too Much Of It About

In short, if economic experts actually knew what they were talking about, some of them might agree with each other. As they don't, let's assume they don't.
01/11/2013 15:55 GMT
Best At Being

Best At Being Worst

New figures reveal that in all of Europe, our teenagers are the most productive, by which I mean pregnant. Maybe it is because our young folk are SO BORED and have nothing else to do.
23/10/2013 12:22 BST