Xavier Toby

Writer, comedian, shit stirrer.

Writer, comedian, shit stirrer.

The Sad, Sad End of $1 Dumplings in Manhattan

If you're searching for something hot, fresh and edible in Manhattan that's only one dollar and not pizza, your options just got a little more limited. There are the rare street vendors that still do dollar hotdogs, fried things from Papaya stands, and the radioactive-looking offerings from 7-11.
08/07/2016 12:15 BST

Why Isn't Climate Change a Bigger Election Issue? Maybe We Need to Rename it 'Bieber Kardashian Sex Tape'

Why isn't climate change a bigger issue in the upcoming elections in the USA and Australia? It's barely an issue at all, and in the recent UK election, it was also rarely mentioned. In order to avoid catastrophic climate change it's essential that we act now, but that small fact hasn't stopped it slipping down and off the list of what's important to the majority of voters.
13/06/2016 12:35 BST

Is Evolution Going Backwards?

These days a lot of people don't know what a book is, especially if they're under thirty. If you need to explain it, tell them a book is just like a small piece of the internet but on paper.
08/02/2016 14:29 GMT

Why Does Anyone Bother Playing the Lottery?

Our brains are so good at stories that for a moment they even feel real, and it genuinely feels great to fantasize about winning the lottery, to talk about it with others, and do some quick internet browsing for private jets and mechanical monkeys. Far better than than putting money in a jar.
18/01/2016 17:28 GMT

Getting Freaky at Work

Most of us would prefer to be supermodel DJ's who only have to work three days a year, but that isn't a real job unless you're asleep. The key to being happier in the workplace then becomes shifting your attitude to the job you do have.
11/01/2016 10:54 GMT

Should I Have Bought My Wife a Christmas Present?

We're both doing okay. We have enough stuff, and isn't Christmas a time for giving to those less fortunate? Even if it isn't officially, it feels like it should be. There are so many people who need presents more than I do, or she does.
29/12/2015 10:53 GMT

Candy Crush Is Wrecking Your Brain

Despite what the game developers might claim, Candy Crush etc are basically games of luck where it's impossible to predict when you're going to win, and you're permitted to win just often enough to keep you coming back. The exact same theory applies to the matches provided by dating websites, pies at the football and late night kebabs.
28/04/2015 23:36 BST

Was Jesus the First Supermodel?

There is compelling evidence that the first supermodel was, in fact, Jesus. Now I'm not sure if anyone's ever come up with this theory before, but I've never heard anyone else mention it. So let's just pretend for a moment that I'm a genius, and that the whole concept isn't at all offensive.
16/04/2015 09:41 BST

Alcoholism: The Secret to Long Life? Stop Drinking!

I'm a big one for calling them out every time they trot out something as interesting, insightful and revolutionary, which is actually common sense, no sense or nonsense. Then this study comes along, and it's reaffirmed my faith in statistics everywhere. If mathematicians and scientists could design their own porn, it'd be a naked somebody rolling around on findings just like this.
09/03/2015 16:46 GMT

Street Harassment: Would You Talk Like That to Your Mother?

Mothers, daughters, women, they're not objects for your sexual gratification but people and anyone who doesn't treat them as such, well you're the ones who don't deserve any respect. I just don't know what goes through the minds of these men. Who thinks this is okay, then kisses their wife and daughter goodnight, and doesn't see the problem?
05/02/2015 15:46 GMT

Men Get Lonely - So What? Tell Someone Who Cares

"Hey you. If you've got a problem, do something about it. Don't talk about it. Nobody cares." As a man, I've heard this before. All the time actually, and in several different ways. After a girlfriend cheated on me, when I was shattered and expressed a need to discuss it, a friend told me: "You need to stop talking and thinking about it right now. Nobody cares."
05/01/2015 16:40 GMT

Fairlife: Coca Cola Now Makes Milk (Insert Scepticism Here)

It's going to cost more than milk. Maybe twice as much, but is also supposed to have heaps of additional health benefits. There are also significant health benefits with not drinking milk and doing exercise, but Coca Cola isn't selling that.
15/12/2014 03:46 GMT

Is the US Presidential Turkey Pardon a Big Load of Baloney?

Two turkeys are currently selected and pardoned each year, in case the first choice turkey becomes unavailable. This is not due to media commitments, or a career on Fox News, but a nice way of saying that one of them might die.
24/11/2014 17:17 GMT

I Don't Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

So why do I feel a bit weird about it? Like does anyone else think she looks ridiculously out of proportion? Am I the only one who thinks that an attractive human being is one whose head, legs and middle all look like they belong to the same person?
17/11/2014 12:14 GMT