On July 2nd, 2017 the internet stopped working. For 24 hours people furiously pressed 'refresh' over and over again but to no avail. Come the next morning - still nothing, and then the panic set in. News anchors tried to reassure the public and suggested people take calming walks around things called "parks". This enraged the public, but they had absolutely no way to express their anger.
Eventually world leaders appeared on television blaming terrorism for the death of the internet. This attracted the attention and derision of the Daily Mail, who insisted all muslims and immigrants apologise before campaigning for them to lose their jobs, (unless they were spongers, in which case the campaign focused on employing them, and then immediately sacking them). But in a show of solidarity both immigrants and muslims went on strike. The lack of workers in warehouses, printing firms, delivery services and newsagents meant the Daily Mail couldn't reach shops, and it was put out of business by the people it despises the most. #satire
The thought of using one's imagination to masturbate became a chilling prospect. After years of viewing porn (which has become more and more degrading as each hour passes), people became reluctant to delve into their brains to find the go-to-image. The thought of what they might find terrified many people.
Stock markets were unstable at first. Greece, which had been leeching free wifi from Europe for years, and repaying us with Trojan Horses (internet joke), was finally shot into space like many experts predicted. Many shops and businesses reliant on the net went bust. Online companies that had previously avoided huge tax bills were wiped out. However other shops flourished, particularly on high streets. HMV and Blockbuster returned and saw a surge in business. As did cinemas, and proprietors of porno mags and the Daily Sport (for cheapskates).
With no-one available online to abuse/troll/sexually threaten, forum users and tweeters had no choice but to be horrible to contacts stored in their phone, alienating them instantly from their small group of friends.
It was even worse for sexually-driven trolls; with no strangers or friends of the opposite-sex left to terrify, the sex-troll had no choice but to send his sister/niece a pic of his penis and a graphic description of where he'd put it. (Or a vag-shot to a dad, if it's a lady sex-troll).
Then, after they finally exhausted their contacts and their beloved phones became useless, trolls and severely addicted tweeters had only one option left - Leave the house and make friends with real people.
This presented a problem as many of these trolls could no longer be anonymous and the need to abuse others just wouldn't go away. It continued to overwhelm them and scupper their plans AND their faces, because in real life people didn't block, they punched.
With no-one to talk to online every human on earth went 'outside for a bit'. A sharp reduction in cases of rickets followed, and obesity levels also declined, as did things that could 'blow your mind'.
Twitter slang was strange in the 'outside world'. Many thought tweeters were experiencing a breakdown when referring to others as their "Bae". (A 'Baekdown').
With no access to jpgs tweeters couldn't have fun with 'Picture Bantz' (google it). Instead they had to draw faces of minor celebs looking happy/sad/confused in order to show people what mood they were in.
'Live Retweets' were popular though. This is the practice of hearing a funny joke/abusive comment and then immediately repeating it out loud. E.g:
Man 1: "I hear Mr X is a dick"
Man 2: "Hey guys, MR X IS A DICK. LET'S ALL SAY THAT MR X IS A DICK."
Without access to Facebook people began sticking actual 'Keep Calm' posters up in the streets. The resulting blitz spirit lifted people's moods. This was evident by people cutting the circulation off from one hand until it went blue, then raising their thumb in the air and shouting "like".
People's dinners continued to be photographed, but because no-one was able to upload them printed t-shirts made a big comeback, and people took it in turns to stand on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square and tell disinterested crowds how many roast potatoes they had.
Even trolls reverted back to being normal, and friendly members of the community... eventually. This was helped by support groups who could slowly prepare trolls for normal life. "Thank you for your thoughts, Matthew Beige, but remember, you cannot call people 'cunts' all day long. Ok? No, I don't care how many roast potatoes you've had today." *Matthew holds up drawing of a sad face*
'Knowledge is power' was Google's motto before the internet was wiped out, and people hoped this would become the Library's new role, but the government were lambasted for closing so many simply to save money, and so they could throw all the books at benefit claimants. #satire
To get the government to hear complaints paper petitions made a come back, followed by loud hailers, and even town criers. These all combined to make a loud racket followed by tons of recycling.
People who still had bookshelves with books on them scoured them for information. They 'googled' things by searching for keywords in things called 'indexes'.
Families spent hours in the loft searching for their Britannica books or CD-ROMS, and in extreme cases they'd even seek out grandparents to learn about historical events.
Without Twitter those who lived alone did not have an outlet to mock every second of tv they watched, but neighbourhoods became closer in the absence of the internet meaning that windows were flung open and the whole street would shout insults about 'Apprentice' contestants to each other. One summer a fat bearded contestant was labelled a "massive paedo" by so many residents in one street that it scared an actual peadophile neighbour, forcing him underground, and making it easier for him to abuse children. Luckily his neighbours saw the funny side.
Selfies continued unabated, post-internet. Narcissists carried a mirror with them at all times in order to stare at themselves when walking down the street. Many wandered aimlessly into moving traffic, or fell down potholes, but it was agreed that they died doing what they loved.
If you've enjoyed/hated this blog why not tell me via the internet WHILE YOU STILL CAN.