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The Ultimate Competition Giveaways: Money Can't Buy

Here's my definitive guide to the best prizes imaginable. Now all we need to do is wait for technology to catch up

These days you can win some pretty amazing prizes by entering online competitions - from having all your bills and petrol paid for, to giant lump sums of cash and dream holidays. But what would the ultimate (reality-excused) giveaway look like? And I don't mean a gold encrusted iPad, I'm talking the best things ever - stuff money can't (and probably will never be able to) buy. So here's my definitive guide to the best prizes imaginable. Now all we need to do is wait for technology to catch up...

1. Aslan

A giant lion with Liam Neeson's voice: there will be no better prize ever, in the history of winning things. Aslan is also God (apparently), and he rules Narnia. He can run super-fast, bring people back to life, and he looks SO SOFT. Next door's prize Siamese is going to look like a street-cat when Aslan prowls round the neighbourhood. You may want to keep him away from tall women with white-blonde hair, just in case.

2. Bumblebee

If Megatron decides to invade Earth again, you're probably going to want Optimus Prime tucked up in your garage, but seeing as we've blown reality off this far, let's just say he's not going to. This leaves you free to take home the coolest Transformer: Bumblebee. He's by far the best-looking car, he's definitely the most loyal, and honestly, Optimus Prime doesn't seem to have a sense of humour. When you're stuck in traffic on the M25, it's going to be Bumblebee that you want by your side, serenading you through the radio.


You're spoilt for choice when it comes to transport now, but if ever you feel like popping down to see the Victorians, or fancy fact-checking the Jurassic Park trilogy, then the TARDIS is the ultimate (the only?) machine to get you there. It's storage efficient too, and will only take the smallest amount of space in your house. To be honest, you could probably live in there, although I'm not sure Aslan would appreciate the lack of grass. Remember to keep an eye out for the Daleks though; they probably don't read 'New Address' cards.

4. R2D2

He's cute, he'll be useful, and he's not too big: suitable for any living arrangements. Helping you out around the house (or TARDIS) will be a nice career change for him - poor robot sounded so anxious in all the fight scenes in Star Wars. Never again will you fret over a crashed laptop, or losing files - R2's insane hacking skills will get you out of any computing mess. Plus he can project holograms: not only will he be a wicked friend, he's always going to be one step ahead of anything Apple releases.

5. Iron Man's suit

You've won yourself an insanely fast car, a telephone box that can take you to any time-zone you fancy, and a talking lion. Chances are you're going to need a way to protect all your new toys - so win yourself Iron Man's suit. With an inbuilt computer interface, and every weapon and gadget you can think of, no one will be walking away with your wins. And if you ever fancied giving Bumblebee the day off, you could always go for a fly.

6. Legolas' Bow and Arrow

We'll see you at Rio 2016.

7. Spiderman's web shooters

Is there anything worse than lying in bed and realising you've left the light on when it's all the way across the room? No. But hang on - now you have Spiderman's web shooters! Grab that lamp and make it come to you (note: you may want to practice this first, to avoid any electrical damage/fires). The entire world will be within your reach, quite literally.

8. Aladdin's genie lamp

I'm not sure what else you could possibly want that isn't already included on this list, but a genie who can grant wishes at the drop of a hat (or rub of a lamp?) is something no one will turn down. Not to mention the fact he is BLUE and GIANT and therefore will make a really cool friend/guidance counsellor. Which you will probably get recommended to when people hear you talking to a lamp. Who loves lamp? We do.

9. Lacuna Inc's memory device

Jim Carey and Kate Winslet use this nifty piece of technology to erase each other from their lives (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just quite a drastic option), but there are plenty of other uses for this, if you're quite content with everyone you know. Maybe you've just seen your favourite actor in a terrible film? Or you mistakenly listened to Gangnam Style? Either way, it could have its uses, especially when you've just slipped on the snow in front of your entire office, and while they will remember it, you'd rather not.

10. Nicole Kidman's Elephant Room

You're going to need a flash new place to keep all your new toys, and while the TARDIS could work, it doesn't have the most aesthetically pleasing interior. Enter the Elephant Room from Moulin Rouge. Yes, live in the glass head of an elephant, swathed with red sheets of fabric, white fluffy clouds, and perfect lighting. Plus, weather permitting, you'll be able to climb onto the roof and dance through the sky (ability to dance and sing is probably not included with the property).

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