People often say to me "Carol you will know when you know." Usually I hear these words after tuning back into a conversation having missed the crucial start of the chat. So whilst I am supposed to know when I know, I am not sure what it is I should know.
Recently I was in a taxi home after a night out and as I sat there in the back seat picking imaginary fights with the polite taxi driver, I knew that when I arrived home I'd be going to bed fully clothed. I just knew. "Those people were right, you do know when you know" I thought to myself as the mannerly taxi driver ignored these thoughts. I then tried to start an imaginary argument with the gentleman about his mother whom I had never met, but he ignored these disputes too.
When I arrived at my chosen destination, my plan was to climb straight under the duvet with my clothes still on. The thought of removing my clothes seemed overwhelmingly colossal to my tired self. I could manage brushing my teeth but then I was going to use the alcohol in my system to create a comfortable slumber where my cold tights or itchy jumper wouldn't interrupt my snooze.
But it wasn't to be. I had forgotten to dress my bed before I went out that night. It's a devastating feeling rushing into your bedroom and being presented with a naked bed. It's like your world has been torn apart and these are the white padded remains. All the pleasure and laughter from your entire life, not just your night out, evaporates at the sight and you're left feeling distraught and tearful.
Dressing a bed drunk is a sobering task. It is apparently the fourth most stressful thing in you life after moving house, tripping over nothing in front of someone you fancy and the death of a loved one.
It can actually be quite a dangerous chore if you have to fit an elasticated sheet onto a mattress that is too vast for the sheet. You have managed to fit the top right corner of the clean sheet onto the top right corner of the mattress but then when you are fitting the bottom left of the sheet onto the bottom left of the bed, the right hand corner pops off. You then find yourself lying face down on the bed, the elasticated sheet clinging to your drunken body like some forensic scientist attire. You start making snow angels aggressively on the bed in a bid to remove the sheet from your body and on doing so you end up sleeping on the bare mattress with its inexplicable stains and its defeated springs, hoping that the morning will never arrive.
One particularly difficult night I nearly smothered myself after my whole body ended up in a duvet cover. I silently screamed as I waited for someone to come to my aid but nobody did. I eventually silently screamed myself to sleep and when I awoke the next morning, still trapped in the duvet cover, I used the daylight and sobriety to free myself from its fresh scented grip.
So think before you drink. Or just don't drink and none of this head wrecking time consuming nonsense will happen to you.