THE BLOG
30/09/2015 11:18 BST | Updated 29/09/2016 06:12 BST

Your Barista Hates You

This rant could literally be an essay but alas let's just stick with this for now but welcome to an average day of your local Barista who most definitely hates you.

Around the 70th Latte into my shift is when I begin to lose the will to live, ironically not out of boredom, but due to a lovely sour faced woman who after purchasing a Grande Latte with vanilla remembered that she actually doesn't like coffee at all. Us barista's experience a situation of this, intellect, at least once per hour if we're lucky but anyways this ageing excuse of a 'human being' reiterated that it was indeed my fault for charging her for coffee she telepathically told me she didn't want. So instead this lady insists she wants that large Frappuccino that's obviously more expensive with extra sauce and extra cream. Cue the deep sigh.

I've worked at a large coffee chain for just over a year now as a part time job during university and its taught me a lot about what crap these guys go through. Now you may, or may not, have figured out which tax evading super-chain owns me but alas wearing that green apron doesn't give you, the public, a free-reign to talk to us like we're a piece of crap. Most people who work in the stores I've been in all have university degree's and have come to the UK working their fingers to the bone to carve out a life here that could hopefully spring them on to better things. Yet some of the douche bags that come into our store have pre-conceived notions that we're all here because we are dead-end losers with nothing when in reality these jobs act as steady, part time income yet allowing us to carry on with our main career focuses for example, University. Or in worse cases it acts as a back up because there aren't enough jobs for post-graduates.

However the fun of learning about how to make the perfect coffee is undermined by the fact most people have no god damn clue what they're ordering. When your shouting, "Grande Cappuccino for Dave", to have him come running back at me complaining how his cappuccino is foamy. Dave quick lesson on a Cappuccino mate, its a type of coffee made with espresso and milk that has been frothed up with pressurised steam. Can you spot the key word there? FROTHED. A latte is milkier then a cappuccino making it creamy milk.

Now we've done the basics let's move over to the annoying mother whose letting their child explore the vast wonders of life by letting 'it' tap her contactless card, and fail numerous times, as I merely act overwhelming happy for them both. Deep inside I fear if this kid cant even do this then you may as well stick the dunce hat on 'it' now. Anyways now that little moment has been shared the line has grown out the door and each one of those pesky little critters has become insanely angry at the prospect of waiting another 5 minutes for their overpriced, low quality drink all just to get through their own drab day.

Between the insults and the occasional polite customers there's the hero, the avenger, the young crusader wielding the secret menu on their smart phone. There is a shared frenzy on everyone's face, customers and barista's alike, but then again you could just crush their dreams head on, "NO! We can't make that Mocha Digestive McStarbucks Frappuccino".

Also to those of you who order skinny milk yet order cream with your drink just know we are all secretly judging you. It's pointless; your pointless just like you Mr.Soya who orders cream with your lactose free drink. Or perhaps you just live on the risky side of things - it that's the case then go you.

Plus when you ask for it extra hot just know that the machine mechanically cannot go hotter then a certain point thus leaving me with nothing else to do but suggest you rip your throat out and run some acid down it. Aside from that don't bother saying to me, "oh crap, I forgot to ask for an extra shot", as you stand literally beside me making your drink. Don't worry I wont hesitate bringing your hoof footed backside back to the till. And no I don't get commission for offering you the new 'premium' coffee that you wont be even able to tell the difference from so say no and move on heffalump.

This rant could literally be an essay but alas let's just stick with this for now but welcome to an average day of your local Barista who most definitely hates you.