18/12/2014 19:13 GMT | Updated 17/02/2015 05:59 GMT

Got No Game? Here Are Some Top Tips to Impress the Ladies (From a Man Who Knows)


'Make Girls BEG To Sleep With You After SHORT-CIRCUITING Their Emotional And Logical Mind Into A Million Reasons Why They Should...'

This is the first line of Julien Blanc's website, One scrolls down to find terms such as 'validation stack,' 'social hook point,' and the 'four pillars of sex-worthiness,' all capitalised to assert their validity as if he were some sort of sexual guru Heidegger, which is a terrifying concept in itself. (Note: for the purposes of this post, I have made all the terms lower case in an attempt to undermine him).

He offers 13 hours of PURE RAW TRAINING for the very reasonable price of $5,481. This includes membership of the private Julien Facebook group which comes up as 'priceless' in the breakdown of prices, so we're talking about a real bargain here. I had to stop scrolling through the site, firstly because it felt like I was losing brain cells with every click of the mouse, but mainly because it filled me with despair. Here was a set of teachings that reduced interaction with women into some sort of game in which one had to be constantly aware of its mechanisms in order to achieve an ultimate goal. Through pseudo-psychological theories, men with no confidence are being told that they must constantly play mind games in order to talk to women, whilst paying $5,481 for the privilege of learning how to do so. Between Julien Blanc and Dapper Laughs, it seems we're facing a crisis where dating advice is concerned (and a crisis in general).

To counter this crisis, I have compiled a list of tips and techniques on how to chat up women based on a combination of Julien's own teachings and some field research/standing around awkwardly in nightclubs. The best bit is that it's absolutely free!

Lactose Validation Point

Julien Blanc's site boasts techniques on how to develop "panty dropping masculinity" through controlling one's "inner game". Apparently it's all about stimulating her emotionally, but I believe it comes down to how skimmed your milk is.

If you end up going for coffee, make sure that you order a latte with WHOLE MILK. Cave paintings found in the Indonesian Island of Sulawesi show men drinking milk straight from the buffalo, so a whole milk latte will show your date how similar you are to primal man.


Crumb Assertion

When conversing with a woman, it's important to assert your masculinity through mind games. While she's talking, very subtly bring out a sourdough roll and place it on the table. This will let her know, through subliminal means, that you have what it takes to be a breadwinner, thus making her more likely to invest in you.

18th Century Negging Technique

Many have attempted to pick up women through negging, which has become somewhat of a global phenomenon since the publication of Neil Strauss' The Game. It is a technique where one attempts to undermine the woman's confidence through back handed comments and insults, thus making her vulnerable to one's advances. Those that have tried to neg and failed are making one vital error, and that is that their negging is not philosophically grounded. The 18th Century German philosopher Arthur Schopenhaur was one of the original existentialist lads, and his essay 'Of Women' is a great resource for negging methods.

So next time you're attempting to chat up a woman, why not use one of Arthur's smooth lines:

"One need only look at a woman's shape to discover that she is not intended for either too much mental or too much physical work."

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted - in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man..."

"Moreover, she is intellectually short-sighted, for although her intuitive understanding quickly perceives what is near to her, on the other hand her circle of vision is limited and does not embrace anything that is remote... this is why they have greater inclination for extravagance, which sometimes borders on madness."

If she doesn't fall at your feet upon hearing these words, or "puts up a 'bitch shield", as Blanc would put it, then it's nothing personal - she probably just prefers the writings of Hegel.

Common First Date Error

We've all been there lads, when is the right time to reveal that you own all three Take That live DVDs? I made the mistake of mentioning it on a first date and I spent the next three days crying while singing Back for Good, wondering why she hadn't replied to my message. Heed my warning, wait till the third date at the earliest.


The Wrong Game (Notes from the Field)

I did try one of Julien's techniques in the field, but I found that it didn't work so well for me. I was talking to a woman at a house party, and she was telling me about how she ate mince pies by scooping out the mincemeat, throwing it away and just eating the pastry. As a fan these festive treats, this was a heinous act, so I threatened to write up and publish a document exposing her pie eating wrongdoings. Needless to say, she wasn't impressed. Confused by the fact that she wasn't falling at my feet every time I slipped the word 'WikiLeaks' into the conversation, it dawned on me that I had in fact been getting dating advice from the other Julian that had been in the news that week (Assange).


So there you have it, my top techniques for successfully talking to women. I'm currently putting together a series of lectures as well as ringing up ITV2 on a daily basis - I imagine I probably possess the right balance of banter and utter absurdity to get my own TV show on there.

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