07/01/2016 10:02 GMT | Updated 06/01/2017 05:12 GMT

Mr President, It Is My Right To Bear Arms

Mr President, the second amendment of the United States Constitution entitles all US citizens the right to bear arms. Of course, when the second amendment was ratified in 1789, neither you or I were considered citizens, since we aren't classified as white, land-owning males, but other than that, nothing has changed about America. The founding fathers had all the foresight they needed to prepare our young country for its future.

The population of the American colonies at the time of the Revolutionary War was just over two million people. It has only grown by 318 million since then.

Gun technology hasn't improved since 1790. Colonial militias had muskets and pistols, giving them the ability to shoot their foe from up to 5 paces away, with a 30% accuracy rate. Reloading ammunition was fast and convenient--in the same way renewing one's driver's license at the department of motor vehicles is fast and convenient. The semi-automatic weapons of today are identical to those you see in the Smithsonian's American Revolution exhibit.

The founding fathers didn't compose the constitution in a cultural bubble, as a reaction to British war tactics. It was written supra-contextually and can be applied universally to any culture in history. For example, the third amendment places restrictions on quartering soldiers, which we all know is a timeless problem. Just the other day my Babes & Tots playgroup ladies were complaining about the Redcoat soldiers on their front doorsteps demanding housing and I was all, "Aren't you glad about the third amendment, girls?" Then we day-drank chardonnay and scolded our great-grandmothers for passing women's suffrage--because updating legislation is dangerous and against our human rights.

Historians claim that the Industrial Revolution led to the mass production of everything from textiles to appliances, but that does not apply to guns. They are still hand-made by gunsmiths and take up to six months to procure. It's not as if any old lunatic can just go into Walmart and purchase a bag of Doritos, a four-pack of toilet paper, and a Winchester 22 Semi-Automatic Assault Rifle.

We can use Australia's gun reform as a cautionary tale. Australia tightened gun laws in 1996 and have since ushered in a new hell on earth. Kangaroos are just going round pillaging citizens and hopping off with human babies in their pouches. (*note: That last sentence has not been fact-checked, but since it is on the internet, it must be true.) I, for one, do not want a kangaroo to steal my baby, and that's why I'll continue to fight for my right to bear arms.

Mr President, let's get back to our country's roots. It was a better time, when men practiced Christianity (ok, maybe Deism), worked hard to own land (ok, maybe slaves), and gave Native Americans hope a better future (ok, maybe syphilis). The only way forward is to be held hostage by our past. Preferably by George Washington's Winchester 22 Semi-Automatic Assault Rifle.