16/01/2012 11:32 GMT | Updated 17/03/2012 05:12 GMT

Why We Should Buy That Old Lady a Boat

The whole nation has rallied around Michael Gove's heroic call to buy the Queen a big yacht for her birthday. It's the only sensible thing to do. While the vast majority of sane, normal people have applauded this fabulous and necessary idea, there have been some, union types mainly, who have pooh-poohed the idea. While nothing tends to alter the opinion of these confused, unpatriotic, implausibly socialist, republican types, hopefully these finely crafted arguments will steer them in the right direction.

Reason: Nothing bad has ever happened on or to a boat.

You tell me of any recent ship related problems. You see, you've got nothing. They're practically indestructible and tragedy proof.

Reason: Old people are notoriously hard to buy for.

Have you ever tried buying a gift for a pensioner? All they do is sit about, eat meagre amounts of old-fashioned food and occasionally watch Eggheads. It's worth splashing out a little extra for something they won't immediately stick on top of the wardrobe or gleefully hand over to a doorstep swindler.

Reason: Prince Andrew is still dangerously single.

For the country's peace of mind, we have to find that man a royal bride sharpish. For too many years he's cried himself to sleep over a tear-spattered Polaroid of Fergie. But how is he supposed to successfully court if he's forced to escort various European ingénues to a tatty old yacht that even Princess Michael of Kent wouldn't be seen dead in? Let's get this lovely man a floating love palace and keep that bloodline flowing.

Reason: The Queen II.

Speed was a great movie with a far superior sequel - Speed 2: Cruise Control. It featured a big boat in various perilous cruise liner related antics. The Queen was a great movie and the whole world has been crying out for a sequel since it's release. And we've just given the Queen a big boat of her own. You do the math. I smell BAFTAs.

Reason: Look, it's not going to be a big luxury yacht.

It's going to be a normal sized luxury yacht.

Reason: They're at it again.

If Argentina was a cartoon wolf, then it would be looking at the Falklands with it's tongue lolling out and the Falklands would magically transform into a roast chicken with all steam coming off it. Yes, war-based, Malvinas-related chuntering has begun again in South America. As we all know, it's now the future so naval-based defence is a laughable anachronism. But sadly, the rise of sea-worthy, cyborg piloted, robo-tanks has been slower than expected and we gave all our fighting ships away to countries that need them more. What would be finer than the royal yacht, all guns blazing, storming into Port Stanley with Wills and Harry, possibly shirtless, each with a cutlass between their teeth, ready to personally conquer the Argie hordes. I'm getting goosebumps already. If it's good enough for Margaret Thatcher, surely it's good enough for Nick Clegg and that other one.

Reason: To take her mind off Prince Phillip.

It's lose-lose with that guy. If he's not upsetting various Commonwealth nations with his controversial pre-decimal views, he's nearly dying. Perhaps an extensive bout of sea-faring action will allow him to drift out of trouble for a spell.

Reason: We all get a turn on the boat.

Oh yeah. It's in the small print, but it's there. Every weekend her Royal monarch isn't entertaining Saudi 'investors' or impressing Canadians, we get to use the boat. Just enter Richard Desmond's Health Lottery and you're in with a chance of winning a reasonably priced spin around Portsmouth Harbour on the Princess Pippa (as it will be known).

Reason: The Possibility of boat christening related bloopers.

Those things always go wrong. The champagne bottle doesn't break. A fat local dignitary ends up getting wet. Someone's big hat blows off. The nation could do with that sort of cheering up. There's a recession on you know.

Reason: If you were Queen, she'd buy you a yacht.

Nuff said. Peace out.