So, it's done. The long anticipated day has come and gone. I did it, I left my beautiful girl and went back to work. When I woke up this morning, I felt like the day would go on forever. I couldn't wait to get home but felt like that moment was an eternity away. Getting ready was painful, counting the minutes until I would get into my car and leave her but sure enough, 7.20am arrived and I closed the front door behind me and headed back to work after nine months of maternity leave.
In all honesty, the day itself was ok although I'd be lying if I said it was nice being 'me' again, or that I enjoyed the break from my girl. I understand what fellow mummies mean when they say they're looking forward to adult conversation and using their brain, it's just that I don't feel that way. If I could have stayed at home permanently with baby M, I would have done so. I also completely understand a new mums desire to get back to her old self, but again, it's not a feeling I have had personally.
So there I was, in my school, on my first day back. My colleagues were lovely, and I even arrived to gifts for me and baby M. The day was fairly busy, an assortment of seeing colleagues, catching up and trying to get my laptop to update (that was always going to be the case wasn't it), but I can't say it went quickly! I probably thought of baby M once every three seconds, but that'll get less, right? A few people asked if I was ok (which made me want to cry) and some people acted like I'd never been away (which made me want to cry), some people asked to see pictures of M (which made me want to cry) whilst others didn't (which made me want to cry). I guess it was just an emotional day. But I made it through. .. without crying (just a couple of watery eye moments, but I don't think they count!)
I suppose the thing that will really stay with me about today, is the fact that pretty much everything is the same. Except me. I'm not the same, having a baby changes every fibre of your soul, but nobody can feel that except you. Only you know that the person that left for maternity leave no longer exists and a new (and I believe improved) version of you is in her place. And so, you get on with it, just like you've never been away and like your world hasn't had a complete overhaul. But it's ok. All in all, it's not so bad.
Anyway, baby M had a lovely day with daddy and I got lots of slobbery kisses on arrival home. Mr MBAW sent me text updates and pictures throughout the day that if I'm honest were bittersweet to receive. There has been such a build up to this day, months of dreading, weeks of resigning myself to it, days of anticipation, and if I'm honest I'm just relieved it's finally over now and I can move on at last.... oh wait, I have to do it all over again tomorrow. Let's hope baby M sleeps!