If I hear about the girl on the platform one more time... I swear, I can't press mute quick enough.
This time of year there seem to be more than the usual number of television adverts aimed at those seeking a loving relationship.
One starts with a voiceover proclaiming: "being single can be amazing". I concur, but over the past three years I have noticed the financial benefits to being in a couple and it doesn't seem all that fair to me, and now some dating agency wants me to part with more money to find me a mate?
At every turn I am being penalised for being on my own. I live alone in a flat that would be too small to share if I were to become half of a duo. I have no one to split the rent and bills with, which is why I am always skint.
So, if I live alone by choice, what cause do I have to moan, I hear you ask?
Last November I fancied a break on my own. I wanted a little bit of warmer weather. Each time I kept coming up against the same problem: the single supplement. It's either that or a steep room tariff that two people could share the cost of.
I don't want to resort to soloholiday.com (don't bother, it doesn't exist) for resorts designed for singles. I don't want a restriction placed on my available choices. Those kinds of limitations could force me into the opposite of what I'm looking for.
I decided to look closer to home for a short break instead. Every great deal I saw for a weekend away was "based on two people sharing". I couldn't afford to go anywhere in the end.
I am on the Orange mobile network. How great that they have Orange Wednesdays: two for one film tickets and Pizza Express. What if I want go on my own, can I get it for half price? No, because it's called two for one, not one for 0.5.
The same goes for happy hour. I don't mean to end up drunk whilst waiting for a friend to arrive. I only want the one drink, but it's two for one, what else am I supposed to do?
There seem to be rebates, breaks, credits maybe even - dare I say - incentives left, right and centre for couples and parents of which I am neither. Do I get a payment for not over populating the country? Okay, so that last one was a joke, but I never thought the day would come where I'm praising Council Tax for being the one cost that I get a single person's discount for.
Supermarkets have meals for one that are simply a main meal sold in a very uninspiring manner. It's a good job there aren't singles nights at my local supermarket because if I was stood in the queue at a till and someone did happen to glance in my basket, they would get the wrong idea.
They'd perhaps think I'm in a relationship when in truth I'd be spending £10 rather than £18 on a food deal that I don't need but feel compelled to be a part of. In my case it's served up for two days, not serves two people. I can see how serves one for two days is a less appealing marketing strategy...
I can't envisage shops shouting about a dine in for £5 deal with side order and dessert plus wine with the same enthusiasm.
If "being single can be amazing", could it start being amazing in its economic reward, so the girl on the platform could be me, on my way to the airport to escape on a holiday with no extra costs where I can sip my two for one cocktails - for one.