It's very difficult to articulate that stomach-twisting feeling of helplessness and loss when life gets intense. For me there's nothing I fear more than my loved ones being in pain. When my family are fighting just to get back to normality, to kick the stress of illness, and all the curve-balls that life throws, that's when it becomes unbearable to see things clearly. It's a haze, an encapsulating wave of fear, stress, panic and a horrible reminder of how insignificant your actions can be in terms of fighting the crap that this world can throw at you and those whom you love.
It's no lie that when things start getting stressful life throws a heck of a lot more stress at you. Whether that's because you're already feeling sensitive to the destructive nature of the world; things beyond your control you start noticing, you give more energy to the rubbish that's around you - the suffering of those you care about, the stresses of work, of having to keep your sh*t together, or maybe life just sucks in general.
We've all experienced one thing in our lives that brings everything to a halt. Things that shake you so vehemently that you can't remember how things were ever so 'normal.' This world is brutal, there's so much that can harm us. Harm can attack you from almost anywhere, from people, the weather, machines, weapons, your own mind, illness. I don't mean to be dramatic, but I think the chance of a piano falling on your head probably isn't as implausible as you think. Let's get real, we're all going around trying our hardest to protect ourselves, every day. But life doesn't care, and it'll find ways to leave you feeling destroyed. So how the heck do you deal with that?
I once slipped on grass and broke my wrist. Grass. Grass? If grass is dangerous then we should all be running around fearing for our lives. Cue the moral panic, grass is rebelling. My own clumsiness hurt me, but I was on holiday, having fun with my friends when I slipped. It ruined my holiday. It ruined my holiday even more when I got home and went to a different hospital who told me my wrist wasn't even broken in the first place - you try having a holiday where the only way you can go to the beach is by wrapping your arm in a ripped carrier bag, that probably once held glorious products that sparkled and glistened, enhancing your holiday with fizzy drinks, sweets, ice cream - sweet sweet stuff that made memories. Memories that fizzled away once I slipped on that grass, breaking my hopes and dreams, not just my wrist.
Life is horribly intense, and I completely empathise with that sense of hopelessness, of not being able to cope, of not even wanting to think about reality, when reality is so soul-destroying. I don't know how to cope, my loved ones don't know how to cope, but we make do. As humans it's in our nature to keep moving forward, to evolve, even if moving forward means sitting down, crying in desperation, and questioning why me, why us?
There's no rule book to life, but the one rule that I live my life by is not to hurt others. So much can hurt us, so why would we inflict more pain on those who already have enough to deal with? When things are beyond my control I feel helpless, I feel as though my efforts are unworthy when the world reminds you of the harsh reality of living. We can't protect ourselves - if I could wrap all my loved ones up in bubble wrap I would. I'd monitor them 24/7 and not let them out of my sight. But I can't. And even if I did, things would still penetrate those walls, invisible things - illness. When your body is fighting from within - the rest of your body fights back, your family is on standby ready to fight as hard as they can, medical staff are there to help encourage your internal army to continue fighting to regain strength. We can only fight with all we have, and we can only pray that what we have is enough.
Ella writes over on Dearest Someone, focusing on the messy and glorious parts of life. Read more here: https://dearestsomeone.com/