17/09/2013 13:21 BST | Updated 17/11/2013 05:12 GMT

Turning 25

Since I turn 25 next weekend, I thought I'd do some light research into quarter-century bucket lists. Not that I'm dying (physically), but it's always good to know what you should have achieved by now.

Some things I have managed: travel - tick; whilst abroad get cornrows - tick (who wouldn't?) however, alarmingly, according to the Internet there seems still to be a lot to acomplish in just several days. Below are some of these outstanding goals along with their author's ranking.

1. Go to Africa but don't go on safari.

Clearly of incredible importance to this list-maker, as it is their number one. They are most likely at home this very second, hysterical with concern that we reach Africa, but even more anxious that upon completing the crossing, we fall accidentally onto the roof of a safari jeep. Whilst we can't be sure as to the writer's reasoning, if I was to hazard a guess I'd say it is likely he or she, on their virgin safari, was ambushed passionately by a desert fox upon releasing a ham roll from its pop 'n' lock tupperware. We should not question their frightened passion, simply accept and heed the warning.

5. Recognise freedom as a 5:30a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you've just met.

This may be freedom if you live in The OC where the strangers are beautiful and have very white teeth, but mine are crack addicts with no teeth. If I went to 'Belchers' at 5.30am with dreams of freedom and new companions, I would probably be back home by 5.43 with no money, shoes or faith in humanity.

6. See a live snow leopard.

I mean I only have a few days. My local park has a pygmy goat?

8. Get in a fist fight.

This almost happened when I was much younger at around 3am one Sunday morning. I would have been able to cross it off had I not been ordering chips whilst the attacker took her stiletto off to use as a weapon, paying for them as she pulled out some of my friend's hair, and throwing them at my face as she was arrested.

9. Eat an animal you've killed.

I did go fishing once, but the whole thing was unbearably barbaric. "Use this stick!" they said. "Bop it on the head!" they said. "It won't feel a thing!" they said. Liars.

Apparently I didn't use the necessary accuracy or force with said stick, and so, after 25 minutes of gruesome battling between man and fish, was found on my knees at the lakeside, sweating and weeping into the bloodied corpse of a trout - the crashing lyrics of Earth Song ringing in my ears as I gazed into the area where his eye would have been.

15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be.

Why have I been fighting this!

20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.

Clearly this is one from the states. In both practicality and logic.

21. Wake up somewhere unfamiliar.

I'm sorry, I can't. I am just too anal. And plus, at 24, if you wake up in a skip it stops being funny* and starts being rehab-y.

*It never was.