08/07/2013 11:52 BST | Updated 06/12/2017 22:08 GMT

A Touch Of Frost


I've just had a Sunday night bath, a long steamy soak in water so hot that my scrotum is now bouncing happily off my knees like two poached eggs in a ski sock. The kids are asleep after an exhausting day at the swimming pool so I've been having a bit of "me" time.

And just between us - I have a feeling that my luck might be in tonight! Sexytime.I'm a man of the world, I can read the signs, so I thought I'd make the effort. Nothing particularly flashy, just a bit of well-earned pre-sex grooming: I've had a bath, washed my hair, de-clawed myself, used a criminal amount of earbuds and even had "a trim".

That's right - "a trim".

I know what you're thinking and yes - I spoil her rotten.


I slip provocatively into my dressing gown, scamper downstairs and, not wanting to ruin the sexual atmosphere, discreetly hide my special pube scissors in the dishwasher. That's the sort of considerate lover I am. I tiptoe towards the lounge and peer in, my wife is 'pretending' to watch television - what a tease!

I slide sexily into the room, 'arrange' myself on the other sofa and wait for her to "notice " me. After 10 whole minutes of assuming various provocative positions and being ignored, I start to get the impression that perhaps she really IS watching TV. Have I misread the signs? No, she was quite clear. I heard what she said to me. I get up and stand directly in front of her, she tries to peer around me.

She really is playing hard to get!

"Here I am" I say (alluringly)

"I can see that. Could you just move a little to the left," She looks up at me "Or?"

"Or?" I say (seductively)

"Or.... to the right? I don't mind which."

I huff back over to my sofa and momentarily drop the sexy voice,

"What are you watching that's SO enthralling anyway?"

She gestures vaguely at the screen "what does it look like?"

"A David Jason screensaver?"

"It's an old episode of 'A Touch of Frost', admittedly it is very slow."

"Turn it off then" I say and casually let my dressing gown fall open.

She looks at me with something approaching sympathy, her eyes flicker downwards for a second.

"Hot bath?" she says

"Very" I reply

But then she yawns and the moment passes.

"Look, I'm tired, we've been swimming all afternoon. I really just want to sit here and watch crap TV"

"Oh, ok. It's just I thought you said?"

"Said what?"

"Y'know, to give myself a ......."

"A what?"

"You know. To give myself a trim? So I inferred......"

"I said no such thing"

"Yes, yes you did. When we got back home I distinctly heard you say that I should tidy up the ....."

"Pool bag, I said to tidy up your pool bag"

"Oh! Pool bag, I thought you said something else......." I close my dressing gown and quickly leave the room.

Opening up the pool bag, I see loose swim nappies, tangled goggles and at the very bottom, a pair of deflated arm bands.

I know how they feel.