09/01/2015 11:36 GMT | Updated 11/03/2015 05:59 GMT

Twenty-Five Inescapable Things I've Learned About Being In Your Thirties

Chris Radburn/PA Wire

As the Duchess of Cambridge turns 33, she's announced that she won't be spending it in Tiger Tiger or having a house party, but instead will be spending it privately.

You know which lesser known person also did the same? Me. Here's my list of life lessons as a thirty something...

1) You choose to spend your birthday privately because the only person who will bother to turn up will be your wonderful unmarried mate with no children. The rest, despite sounding a three-month klaxon about the impending party, will be unable to get babysitters or will have their calendar booked up.

2) Which is actually a relief. Because you don't then spend the day after your birthday clutching your head and wishing you'd never been born.

3) Your friends have babies which feels like the worst when you don't see them for a year...

4) But then it's your turn to have them and finally, you get to see them all the time.

5) If you're single, you may spend a lot of time wondering if you'll end up as a crazy cat lady/hermit in a shack.

6) But then when you least expect it, Mr/Mrs Right appears just as you've given up hope.

7) You're a lot more protective over who you are in a relationship in your thirties...

8) But that makes for fewer nastier surprises down the line eg, what do you MEAN you don't want kids?

9) You're a lot more self-assured about who you are - freaking out in your twenties was worth it.

10) Except now you're freaking out about getting married and having babies.

11) You watch a hell of a lot more Come Dine With Me for dinner party tips. Hint: don't get drunk before the cooking is done.

12) Whereas you'd scour the bottom of the supermarket's wine shelves for the cheapest plonk, you actually find yourselves spending more than £4 on a bottle. And not gagging.

13) You consider moving somewhere that doesn't have a 24-hour off licence on the corner of your street.

14) Your parents transform from nosy killjoys into people you actually want to spend time with.

15) But that still won't stop them from organising your life.

16) It's the decade the ailments begin from creaky backs to dodgy ankles.

17) But it's also the decade you stop eating like a bloody savage - McDonald's for breakfast is no longer a regular feature.

18) You want to kiss the Tesco cashier when she asks for ID to prove you're 18.

19) Your weekends end up being an extended series of naps, and you're perfectly alright with it.

20) But you're still posting on Facebook that you had the best time ever partying until 4am. LIES.

21) You're old enough to know time is not an infinite thing, but young enough to still shape the rest of your life to how you want it.

22) By now you've gone through enough stuff to figure out who your friends truly are.

23) The ones that remain will be by your side no matter what.

24) You learn what love truly is.

25) Not lust, but trust. The person who stays by your side when you look like a hag beast. Forget champagne and roses, this is about cups of tea when you're ill and baking your name into a pie.