The shock of the C-Bomb stayed with me for quite a while... well truth be told it's still there, like some kind of weird evil monkey that just pops up. And pop up he does, all day, every day, I'm in the shower and he's there (pervert!), making a brew - oh look there he is, settling down for some much, much (!) needed sleep - no, don't think so, the C Monkey has other plans, he's going to chat incessantly at your head for hours and hours and hours. I hate the C Monkey. I'm pretty sure he ate all my chocolates too.
After a few days of shock I eventually had my first real day alone to deal with things, by myself. Alone. I decided to spend it in bed. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to get dressed or talk about stuff, I wanted to wallow in bed, cry a bit (maybe a lot actually) and hopefully, at some point, get some much needed sleep.
However C-Monkey had other plans, he won't let me sleep or stop crying. Mr Chatterbox just won't shut up, he chats incessantly on and on and on and on. Obviously his favourite word is "cancer", the moment I even stir there he is desperate to whisper it in my ear, regardless of the god awful time of night - "hey, hey, you've got cancer!" - like it's some amazing secret he's just busting to tell me. In a bid to regain control we've started a new game which I thought I'd share - listing the pros and cons of having my breast removed... yes I know, it's a very sombre game but when you've had little to no sleep these things sort of become quite black and white.
So here's where me and C-Monkey have got to -
Cons:
- Okay so yes, lets get the first most glaringly obvious one out of the way - they have to take my boob. Old 'Lefty's' days are numbered. And that sucks in every kind of way possible... and then some more, in ways which no-one thought was possible, but actually is. It just sucks.
- I'm also bit freaked out about having something 'else' in my body. I have no idea what it will feel like. Will it be like someone's put a bean bag under my skin or a water balloon, will I hear it swishing about??? Blurgh! Or will it be really hard and solid and heavy? Will I feel a bit... wonky? Hmmm, yeah not really feeling good about all that stuff.
- Also and completely randomly (thanks C-Monkey), I'm pretty sure no one will ever motorboat me again. I know, I know, that's a totally and utterly ridiculous thing to say and actually I can't remember the last time anyone actually did do that, because I'd probably slap them - BUT should they want to, they probably won't be able to. The phrase 'rock and a hard place' should be replaced with 'boob and a hard place?!' Who knows how solid this new boob could be, I could seriously hurt someone!
- Some of the 'process' is a bit grim too. The first implant they put in needs to have a tube, some kind of pump (?!) thing. This will stick out of me for a bit, which is just weird and horrid to think about. And what they hell are they going to do, just pump me up a boob every day?? Is it like those trainers we had as kids, you know the airmax things with the pump so you could pump up the soles - I mean that's pretty cool for shoes, but who wants to be pumping up their boob every 10 minuets. And what happens if it deflates, do you get that weird hissing sound like a balloon going down? Um, embarrassing... Thankfully I'm told that bit of the process doesn't last long and the new boob will get properly put in quite soon after, but still... it's not nice.
- This may sound vain but I've always really liked my boobs. I'm sure every girl does, but I've never really had what I think are stand out features - I'm not tall, don't have long legs that go on for days (mine end after about oh, say, a minute), I don't have big eyes or amazing Jolie lips, but I did always have nice boobs. I could fill a dress and always felt kind of sexy, you know, in a womanly way. But now. Or rather after. I really don't know. Will all that go away? Will they take my womanliness as well as the cancer? Will my confidence, my sexiness (cringe!) be gone too... I don't really like thinking about that too much.
- What will I look like... will it be ugly and scarred, will it horrify me every time I look in the mirror. God, that one really depresses me... okay time to move on.
Pros:
- Okay so I get to have a whole new boob, which could potentially be amazing, like porn star perfect - forever. No spaniel ears for me in years to come, nope I shall have a perky pair for a very long time. Oh yes I say pair because as part of the aftercare they make sure you have a matching set - so even if 'Righty' starts to droop and look a little sad next to the new and improved Lefty, they'll sort it out. Come on ladies, that's a pretty big bonus, you know what I mean.
- I'm lucky enough to be having a skin sparing mastectomy which means they keep the skin. Ok so I know that sounds gross but it's actually a very good thing, it means the implant will be put into or rather under my own skin. So I don't have to have a skin graft from anywhere, there will be less scarring and when I look down it'll still look like me, because its my skin. So that's pretty amazing really. I feel very, very grateful about that.
- Also as my friend James pointed out, I'll probably never drown. I will have my own built in buoyancy aid, like a life raft just ready to go should I ever need it. My own mini dinghy boob. Brilliant. Bond would be proud.
- I also get to have a whole new set of bras. Now I know this doesn't especially link to the op because you can get new bras anytime but bras are really, really bloody expensive. So for the most part us girls make do with our regular boring every day sets and then have some nice expensive sexy stuff for when we have... um... visitors. But post-op, I'm gonna need a whole new draw bursting with amazing bras to make me feel nice. It's important. There will be a fully justifiable reason to buy as many bras as I like, even if there are no 'visitors' for a very long time. It doesn't matter. They (the old and new boob) need to look and feel pretty if only for me.
- I get a whole new nipple. Yeap you heard me. As part of the whole reconstruction thing they build me a new nipple and then tattoo it and the surrounding area to make it look natural. They tattoo my new nipple! How bonkers is that? I have flirted with the idea of a tattoo for ages, and now I finally get one.
Having a tattoo of a nipple wasn't really what I had in mind (more like a small bird on my wrist) but hey, it's a tattoo none the less. Plus I might be able ask for something cool, maybe they could make it... gold! Yes a gold nipple, that would be cool, or maybe sparkly pink - you know for parties and stuff. Or maybe they could do a glow in the dark one!!! A-MAZING! Yes that's what I want. I want a glow in the dark nipple. I will never get lost in the dark, it'll be a very handy beacon, so you'll always know where I am and I'll fit right at any Coldplay gigs. Done. Glow in the dark nipple. YES. Sorted.
- Aside from all of that silliness, the most important pro of all, of everything actually, is that the cancer will be gone. That alone is the biggest pro of them all. It will, I hope and pray, be gone. For good. In one horrible but very necessary moment. It will be out. That's the only pro that really matters. (Although I am going to ask about the glow in the dark thing, you never know...)
Okay, C-Monkey, now that's all out can I sleep now or at least stop crying.....pleeeeeeeease!