And breathe...
So, the latest, most explosive series of Celebrity Big Brother has finally come to an end. But sadly, instead of climaxing with a flamboyant fight to the death between the mighty Katie Hopkins and the odious Perez Hilton (reality TV's answer to Godzilla vs Kong Kong), the show was swiped from under their noses by Katie bloody Price (er, Godzuki?).
Yes, remember her? She was the housemate with the stick on hair, dodgy tan and stinking boob, the reality star veteran supposedly paid £500,000 to stir things up, only to sit on her ass, saying and doing very little for three weeks, except punctuate the boredom in the house with tales of the size of one of her ex's peckers.
Now don't get me wrong, her time in the house wasn't entirely a waste. Well for her, at least! After enduring several years in the wilderness - a time during which the general public wouldn't have even pissed on her if she was on fire - Katie saw her CBB experience as a last ditch attempt of winning back the public again. Which meant she had to ditch the tacky vulgar Jordan alter-ego we all knew and loathed - famed for her venomous put downs and lewd drunken behaviour - and give us a side of her none of us had seen before.
And to some degree Katie's devious plan worked. In spite of pre-entry comments promising to tear strips off of rivals Katie Hopkins and Alicia Duvall, the monotone mum-of-many trembled sweetly into the house and refused to say boo to a goose for the next three weeks. Which was kind of cute.
And guess what? It turned out that Katie Price wasn't as bad as we'd all thought. She was likeable and good natured and almost quite shy and had a rather charming penchant for telling a lewd tale or two so dirty they'd make EL James blush!
Okay, so we all fell in love again with Katie P! But did that general niceness give her reason to win? Not on your Nelly! And sadly, her toothless triumph has tarnished the memories of what is truly one of the greatest reality series in years.
Although the conceited Perez was convinced this season of the show was all about him (see, clueless to the end), it was actually a lot more even-keeled. We may have thought Ken Morley was a washed up ex-Corrie fuddy duddy and Cami-Li some vacuous American who'd once dated a TOWIE moron, but who'd have predicted the fireworks they and their housemates would have caused between them. Sensational bookings the lot of them and bonuses all round to the canny team responsible for booking them.
But of course, none of the colourful characters could compare to Hurricane Hopkins, who sliced and diced her way through the house with her eloquent but razor sharp put downs and withering looks. Perez thought he had one up on her as he drawled and squealed and spat at her but Katie's cool, unflappability (is that a word?) proved that she was the one with the upper hand.
And the viewing public could see it too. While Perez was able to manipulate the more gullible of his housemates (Alicia, Nadia etc) by bad mouthing the castmates he didn't like, the public could see him for what he was. An attention seeking little madam, who, when he didn't get his own way, resorted, like the coward he was, to name calling and whispering lies about people throughout the house. And it was only Katie who was brave enough to take him to task for his despicable behavior.
She was the one who stood up for the underdog. Not that her dopey easily-led housemates could see that! When she suggested that Perez be isolated because of all of the pain he had caused the likes of Alexander O'Neill, his brainwashed disciples were horrified. "How dare she say that? That's bullying," they cried. Er, no, it's not. It's merely giving a nasty piece a work a spoonful of his own medicine. Well done that woman!
If Perez did any good, it was that he brought out the strength in other people we didn't expect. During his particularly vulgar ruck with nice guy Calum Best, we watched the former playboy blossom into a fine young gentleman before our very eyes as he put Perez in his place, a transformation that by rights should have given him first place if Katie Hopkins was to falter at the last hurdle. Sadly, the great British public, let us all down.
Firstly they voted out Perez a couple of days short of the final (yes, odious as he was, who didn't love watching him humiliate himself on TV to try to rile Katie), then they voted Katie Price their winner.
It's a strange ending to the story, because if you think about it, why would anyone vote for a woman who was barely given any screen time and who absolutely no-one - aside from the imagination-free magazines editors - spoke about for the entirety of the series? It makes no sense whatsoever. Unless, of course, the constant Twitter updates to Pricey's two million followers on the day of the final urging them to pick up the phone actually worked.
Whatever the reason, the final was the biggest let down in TV history, as the show truly belonged Katie Hopkins and her dashing Prince, Calum Best. But hey, it can't be changed. Katie Price is officially the winner of CBB Series 15! Therefore, we'll just have to remember the sensational action packed weeks that led up to what would be now forever known as The Worst TV Final Ever.