Channel 5 have never been afraid to push taste and decency boundaries with their programming, so it should come as no surprise to learn they have launched a new show called ‘Celebrity Sex Pod’.
For the uninitiated, the series sees a bunch of reality TV stars enter a Diary Room-style ‘pod’ to get answers to all the questions about sex they’d previously been too afraid or embarrassed to ask.
As the first episode aired on Thursday (2 March) night, it proved not to be for the faint-hearted.
With that in mind, we carried out a public service duty by watching it so you don’t have to - here’s what went down (for want of a better expression)...
Needless to say, there is some NSFW stuff ahead, so be warned:
1. First up was Marine Simpson from ‘Geordie Shore’, with a very pressing question
She’s talking about her water pistol, right?
2. After learning that it comes from the bladder, she couldn’t wait to get home and tell Lewis Bloor all about it
We wonder if that’s why they ended up splitting?
3. Next in to the Sex Pod was ‘TOWIE’ star Jon Clark, who was presumably nursing a sore forearm
“I’m a serial wanker,” he explained. Well, you said it, Jon.
4. Tbf, we see why he might have been concerned
Eight? EIGHT?!
5. We weren’t quite ready for his recounting of his, errrm, activities
*puts fingers in ears* La la la la la la.
6. In case you were wondering how he fits having “three to four wanks a day” into his normal schedule, this is how:
Classy. (He was also told there were no medical concerns from having so much self lovin’, fyi.)
7. ‘Big Brother’ alum Sam Giffen was concerned about his high sex drive
It’s a wonder he gets anything done.
8. And admitted he’s still suffering from a problem we assumed stopped once you were out of puberty
He’s not talking about having dreams where he’s in the sea, either.
9. Jordan from ‘Ibiza Weekender’ later popped up to boast about his threesomes
Don’t underestimate yourself, Jord.
10. Geordie Shore’s Chloe Ferry was typically debonair as she sat down on the sofa
11. As her co-star Nathan bravely enquired about how women can be stimulated in two places, Kyle took great pleasure in demonstrating
12. But his demonstration had NOTHING on what happened next:
Yep, that is Chloe showing her vagina to her mates on national TV.
13. Nathan summed up exactly what we were all thinking
Us too, Nathan. Us too.
14. Former ‘X Factor’ star Monica Michael had a digit-related question
Don’t you wave that pinky at us, Miss Michael.
15. She then told the tale of a time she once tried to find out the answer for herself
Yep, that was our reaction too.
16. We’re sure Love Island’s Alex Bowen and Olivia Buckland just came along to brag really
Sounds painful, if you ask us.
And in next week’s ‘Celebrity Sex Pod’...
They’re asking all the important questions, including ‘How do I make my boyfriend ejaculate off a blowjob?’; ‘Why do I want to fuck someone I hate?’ and ‘Why do boys love their willies more than girls love their noonies?’.
Be sure to tune in next Thursday (9 March) at 10pm on Channel 5, because we’re not sure we’ve got the stomach to sit through another episode, quite frankly.
