16 Things You Should Know Before Cooking Your First Christmas Lunch

We're gonna need a bigger oven.

Cooking your first Christmas lunch is not something to be undertaken by the unprepared, so we’re sharing the 16 things everyone should know before offering up their festive services.

1. Offering to cook the Christmas lunch is not the hardest part of the process.

2. You won’t look like Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, no matter what you think.

3. You cannot buy a turkey the night before Christmas so get organised.

4. No conventional size oven is built for the scale of this bird.

5. Get ready to set your alarm at 5.45am to start basting.

6. Working out the timings for everything should be awarded with a PHD in maths.

7. And don’t get us started on the seating arrangements.

8. Putting crosses in the bottom of the brussel sprouts is not optional.

9. Half-way through cooking you’ll remember a vital ingredient you’ve forgotten.

10. But you will have consumed enough Bucks Fizz by this point to not give a shit.

11. People will offer to help you but rarely do anything helpful.

12. You will eat half of the pigs in blankets before they reach the table.

13. The parsnips always get forgotten and burned beyond recognition.

14. When you finally call everyone to eat they are no where to be found.

15. And Grandma is too drunk to care what she is eating.

16. But whatever you serve, everyone will just be grateful it wasn’t them cooking.