01/02/2018 12:51 GMT

30 Things Almost Guaranteed To Happen During Every 'Don't Tell The Bride' Episode

Tears. Lots of tears.

Having aired on BBC Three, BBC One, Sky One and now E4, there’s been so many episodes of ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’ made that we’ve actually lost count. 

And while each of the weddings featured is unique in their own special way, the same things happen in pretty much every show. 

Allow us to explain...

1. As the couple are introduced, we learn that the bride has got the usual dream wedding in her head - an idyllic venue, a swanky reception and a dress she’s had picked out since she was a child.

2. At first, the groom seems committed to giving his one true love what she wants, but it doesn’t take long before it becomes clear he has VERY different ideas about the wedding.

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3. The couple are then separated and the bride moves out of their house. The first thing the groom does? Invite his pals round and get absolutely mortal.

4. Wedding planning then begins with the mother of all hangovers, and a brainstorming session with the best man leads to a God-awful theme being chosen for the event.

5. The lads set to work on finding a venue, just as the bride goes to show her family the type of place she’d like to get married. Needless to say, the two ideas are never the same.

6. The bride then goes to the wedding shop with her best girls and falls in love with her dream dress.


7. Meanwhile, the groom is in another wedding shop across town, sometimes even using his best man to model the dress.


8. And ultimately he picks out a dress completely the opposite to what the bride will like, and we all fear for his safety.

9. Attention then turns to the stag and hen dos, and the groom plans a blowout to end all blowouts for him and his pals.

10. But the bride’s night is a very different story, and nine times out of then, the hen party will end up up sober, disappointed and home by 11pm, having been forced to foot most of the bill for the evening.

11. After then buying suits for him and the groomsmen, the groom has blown his budget, but has forgotten one crucial thing - bridesmaids dresses.

12. This then results in a quick rummage round the sale rail in Debenhams to find something that vaguely resembles something wedding-esque.

13. The groom then faces a revolt when he presents the bridesmaids with what they will be wearing.


14. He’s then bullied into changing the dresses, having to phone mum/grandma to beg for some extra cash to buy them.

15. As the wedding day draws closer, the bride goes to collect her dress, and there are tears. So many tears.

16. But usually, within five minutes, she’s come around the the monstrosity after her family and friends do their best to convince her to wear it.

17. But then, it’s all thrown into chaos again when the bride realises the groom hasn’t bought her any shoes.

18. Cue one of the bridesmaids putting in a call to the groom, followed by screaming, which is then followed by a mad dash to a discount shoe shop.

19. As the big day itself arrives, the groom is rushing around like a blue-ass fly putting the finishing touches to the venue.

20. Meanwhile, the bride realises that there is no make up artist or hairdresser on their way, so resentfully begins to do her own.

21. She’s then presented with the sight of her bridesmaids in their dresses, and detests the colour of them.


22. As she gets ready to leave the house, the horse and cart she was hoping for doesn’t turn up, and instead a Ford Focus with some ribbons on is what’s on the driveway.

23. After some persuasion to get in the car, the journey takes a sour turn as they drive past the church she’s dreamed of getting married in since she was a child, and she realises that it’s not the venue.

24. After an hour’s journey, the bride arrives at her destination and can think nothing but “what the f*** was he thinking?”


25. But as she tearfully walks down the aisle and sets eyes on the groom who she hasn’t seen in three weeks, all is forgiven.

26. The couple say “I do” and head to the reception venue, where the full horror of the theme the groom has chosen is unveiled.


27. However, shockingly the bride totally loves it. It’s often the emotion of the day impairing all sense of taste, judgement and decency.

28. The drinks begin to flow and the endless alcohol begins to drown out just how terrible the party is.

29. The bride then tells the groom how amazingly he’s done and how she wouldn’t change anything about the day, and we all fail to believe her.


30. As the credits roll, we think to ourselves, “I give it six months”.

‘Don’t Tell The Bride’ airs Tuesdays at 9pm on E4. 

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