Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 29 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband cheated on me in my dream last night, so naturally I’m giving him the silent treatment all day until he apologizes accordingly.— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) August 16, 2021
My wife just sliced some cheese onto a cutting board, poured out a box of crackers on top of it and declared, “Charcuterie” to our dinner guests so naturally I’ll be proposing to her again tonight.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 20, 2021
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 13, 2021
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I'm making it 2 months.
"I didn't take the last of it because I know that's your favorite antacid" is how my husband and I say "I love you" now.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 19, 2021
Welcome to marriage, you’ll now provide full details about the quality of your sleep, the number of times you pee’d and any areas of pain before you even open your eyes in the morning— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 22, 2021
My husband just told me he can feel my peach fuzz mustache when he kisses me. HE ALSO NOTICED I SHAVED IT TODAY.— Jen (@Jen_tach) August 23, 2021
If your wife wants flowers put that on monthly subscription life is too simple unless you hate her then fair play— Dir. Sk (@skdhdmedia) August 24, 2021
Wife: We really need to paint the dining room.— Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) August 22, 2021
Me: What…Why? Didn’t we just paint it 12 years ago?
Marriage is just listening to your husband talk about what he wants to grill on the weekend.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) August 23, 2021
My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it.— mariana Z (@mariana057) August 23, 2021
Just like that.
I'm married to a psychopath….
My husband was snoring while napping on the couch so I nudged him to stop, then he woke up and immediately went into the kitchen and loudly ate a bowl of cereal. It was like a “most-hated sounds of marriage” compilation.— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 17, 2021
Let’s get married. Buy a fixer upper. And spend every weekend for the rest of our lives fixing it up.— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 14, 2021
My husband just threatened to pull a Mrs. Doubtfire situation to see the dog if I ever divorce him.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 19, 2021
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 23, 2021
Husband, visiting my grave: I wanted to let you know that after all this time I still walk past the basket of laundry you put at the bottom of the stairs.
My wife just came out of nowhere and said “you weren’t even listening were you?”— justin bambam lewis (@LewisRaindrop11) August 22, 2021
Like bro that’s a really weird way to start a conversation..
Wife: I need to lose weight— Yard Dad (@IAmYardDad) August 21, 2021
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 18, 2021
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend— FreeRangeMattress (@free_mattress) August 16, 2021
Let’s get married and have kids so there will be always be someone who doesn’t want to eat what everyone else wants to eat forever.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 24, 2021
Yelling “that’s a HIPAA violation” when my wife asks if I’ve finished painting the guest room doesn’t seem to be working— Shadenfreude5600 (@shadenfreude5) August 17, 2021
Me: Ooh look she sheds!!— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 22, 2021
Husband: She shed? Isn’t that just a kitchen?
Who wants him? He’s free.
My husband and I don’t go to church but we did just gather several bags of toys for donations right in front of our kids eyes, so you could say I believe in miracles— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) August 22, 2021
Sniffed my husband's armpit while he was driving to confirm he put on deodorant this morning. Marriage is weird.— alyssaland (@dancingchimera) August 22, 2021
my wife left for a quick trip to the nail salon and it's been 3 hours and I never felt so lied to.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 21, 2021
When my husband dies, I will lay a bouquet of cords and cables on his grave.— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 22, 2021
If you’ve never dug an 8 year old phone out of the junk drawer to look back at a text message so you could win an argument, you’ve never been married.— Jerry Lock (@jlock17) August 18, 2021
Do you know many things a married couple can disagree about when they're preparing a salad together?— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 14, 2021
Twenty three, the answer is twenty three.