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30/08/2018 17:38 BST | Updated 30/08/2018 17:38 BST

Everything You Need To Know About Great British Bake Off: Week One

Bake Off is back and all sorts of comforting. Like going back home-home to see the same ‘Spoons.

WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it’s all about The Great British Bake Off

Well. Here we are again. We the fickle: whom have completely forgotten about the BBC days. We the oblivious: who barely notice when a consumerism monster like Amazon start funding our wholesome GBBO. And we the connected: for it is now – more than ever – that our world needs inclusion, diversity, and acceptance.

A French woman? A FRENCH woman. On the Great BRITISH Bake Off. No. No way.

Well, that’s great.

Juust great.

What are these Europeans going to take next, hmm?... [I’m so far removed from this character, I don’t even know how to finish it.]

Let’s get this wagon wheel (spoiler) on the road!

Good for Prue laughing at herself over the whole Tweetgate thing last year (speaking of – I’ll Paypal you £20 if you can remember who won in 2017… yeah that’s what I thought. It was a shit series, wasn’t it?)

Channel 4

Signature – regional biscuits

Paul: This year we’re kicking off with biscuits, not cakes. Now that’s slightly unusual for the GBBO, because…

Erm. Didn’t even notice Paul.

Technical – wagon wheel

I would’ve thought wagon wheel was a brand name. Say, like Hoover is to a vacuum cleaner, or Velcro to… (dammit, I don’t even know the name of it. They’ve really monopolised that industry). Wagon Wheel Towers is going to be in for some of that Dr. Oetker monays.

Sandi is grouping wagon wheels with pot noodles in a snack-based heirachy, ‘No darling,’ she tells a contestant, ‘I’ve never had a wagon wheel.’

Darling, biscuits don’t fall into classes… other than M&S cookies, they are Queens. Obviously.

Showstopper – biscuit selfie

These Channel 4 types are just so dang down with the kids. Next year’ll be dick-pic-pies.

Bake Off is all sorts of comforting. Like going back home-home to see the same ’Spoons alcoholics, it’s nice that the judges never change (you know, aside from the big change). Paul Hollywood is still wearing blue, to highlight his already exceptionally blue eyes.

Guys, this might be serious. He might have body dysmorphia. When he looks in the mirror, his eyes look… a darker shade of blue.

Channel 4

Prue is giving kooky Noel a run for his money. Her children’s coat peg necklace made Noel look like an accountant (no offence, Dad).

Channel 4

Noel’s side burns. No thanking you.

Although, as chops go, they are quite functional – pointing to his warming on-pot grin.

Channel 4

The main observation for Sandi is just the sheer height of hair.

Briony

Briony seems to be a solid baker here, top five potential. I’m not really sure how Channel 4 would mention it to begin with… but I love that they didn’t include any form of a sob story in her bio. Bri has what looks like a hand malformation, but it wasn’t mentioned once. Just filmed as per. YAS.

Channel 4

Stay-at-home-dad-Dan

His kids are called Barnaby and Constance.

Don’t judge. Don’t judge. Don’t judge.

https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/662328-reaction-images

(The phrase Barnaby and Constance was trending on Twitter 30 mins into the episode, I love humans.)

I must admit I do enjoy his extremely expressive face. Although, at first I didn’t see a winner. He’s way too normal. Winners need to be annoying perfectionists. Winners don’t wear untucked shirts. But – he’s got some insanely good Family Guy icing skills going on (prawn penis aside).

Channel 4

Manon

Reared on an egg farm? She’s top three for sure.

And you know you’re hot when you manage to look like a cross between Kate Beckinsale and Gigi Hadid in a biscuit selfie – a self-made selfie, sure. A self-made selfie, with you peace-signing, sure. Guys, she’s a confident female – get off her back.

Channel 4

Ruby

I immediately have respect for any girl who can rock a thick high pony and winged eyeliner. We’ll get on just fine.

Channel 4

Does have whiffs of this year’s arrogantender (it’s a thing), exclaiming her own wagon wheels were ‘perfect’. It’s especially annoying when she came first…

Rahul

He is adorable.

And I didn’t appreciate Paul telling him he could recognise his ‘little chubby face’ from the biscuit selfie… glass houses, Paul.

Antony

Ya know what? Prepare for something controversial. I think there’s enough diversity here that we’re over race, there’s no token diversity here, this is an authentically diverse group of pe-… oh wait. Sandi’s doing the stereotypical lightbulb dance with Antony.

Nevermind.

Imelda

Channel 4 editors are eyeing her up for their next young mum show ‘with her TEENAGE son’.

She has a great outlook on competition: ‘You just have to be better than one other person, don’t you?’ (Probably explains the outcome of this episode.)

Prue was back with her ‘worth the calories’ – don’t turn this weight-obsessed psyche into a catchphrase!

Showstopper was god awful, stale, dry, boring. It was a bit harsh just to take a piece of the background of her biscuit selfie to represent the entire bake… they didn’t do that for anyone else #conspiracy.

Channel 4

Kim-Joy

Oi, oi! Kooky Noel, consider yourself out-kooked.

Channel 4

This one could win. Casually got all artsy with watercolour-type icing that never looks the same twice. If I tried that it would just look shit, or shitter.

Karen

Product promoter at her local supermarket. Oh, how I love those stalls. Give me some tuna pasta bake on my hungover shop, yes please, thank you Karen.

Channel 4

Our first bake casualty of the series. She’ll be gone soon enough with excuses like ‘they just jumped off the tray’ – you are literally being filmed at all times, we have no time for lies.

Channel 4

This is our old(er) lady fave for the series. You know it from the off – anyone who calls Paul a ‘so-and-so’ gets my vote.

Although... rose water and cardamom in a biscuit selfie? Ew.

Terry

Didn’t do well in the technical, instead looking like a toast-rack.

Paul trying to get the upper hand - ‘it’s too rough for me’ - yeah Paul, I think that’s not neat enough for anyone.

Was distinctly average, until he set brandy snap against a mask to make a 3D selfie. 9.04 – actually very creepy

Luke

A DJ who likes to live it up in Vegas, and hit the decks in Sheffield. A mid-weighter in the tent.

I have a feeling there’s another guy... couldn’t tell you a single thing about him – so he ain’t worth the typing.

Manon is star baker!

Channel 4

Manon: I won the first episode!

Papa Manon: You did?! Your green pepper beat ze red tomato?

Manon: Non non, papa

Papa Manon: You’re this week’s Masterchef?!

Manon: Non non, papa

Papa Manon: Ah... je ne sais pas

Imelda is out!

Ruby: I feel bad, because of part of me feels like, it should’ve been me

https://giphy.com/gifs/bullshit-calling-highqualitygifs-ybG5Au3UhHv4k

Humblebrag of the week

Rahul: ‘It’s quite stressful… not as stressful as writing my thesis… but quite there.’

Innuendo of the week

Dan’s penis baby.

‘What are you holding?’

‘A baby’

‘Oh, I thought it was something else’

Judgement of the week

Noel voiceover: ‘Rahul Skypes his mum and dad every day’

https://giphy.com/explore/yeesh

Classic Bake Off editing

‘Walk on’

Channel 4

Funny Sandi and Noel moments

Let’s just all accept that the hosts aren’t funny any more. Will I screenshot an image of Sandi holding a radio, Noel as Doc Emmett Brown, or Noel and Sandi playing table tennis? No. No I won’t.

Until next time...