“I can’t eat that, I’m on a diet.” It’s a sentence we’ve all either spoken or heard from women – and it is mostly women – of all shapes, sizes and ages. The problem is that much of the time, even without us realising, our kids hear it too.
And words can stick – at least, where youngsters are concerned. “Children are like little sponges, soaking up everything around them as they try to make sense of the world and how they fit in it,” says social worker and author Jessica Sanders.
The language we use around children is incredibly important, she adds. “When children hear adults say things like, ‘I’m being good, I’m on a diet’ or ‘I’m so naughty for eating this cake’, the message children receive is: good people are thin and on diets, and naughty people eat cake.
“Diet talk is so common that most of us would never consider the harm that it can cause.”
Statistics show children as young as four have attended clinics in the UK for eating disorders – and a 2016 Journal of Paediatrics study of children aged nine to 14 found more than half were dissatisfied with their body shape.
When asked to select a picture representing the shape they wanted to be, half of the girls wanted to be thinner, while the boys were split: 21% wanted to be bigger and 36% to be thinner.
Parents of girls might be right to be more concerned – according to Girl Scouts, 80% of 10-year-old girls are afraid of being fat. And research shows only 46% of girls globally have high self-esteem, while in the UK, the figure is even lower (39%).
Of course, body image can’t be blamed as the sole cause of illnesses such as anorexia or bulimia. Eating disorders charity Beat told HuffPost UK whilst poor body image can be a risk factor in developing an eating disorder, they’re caused by a range of factors. Still, it’s clear we should be mindful about the messages we might unintentionally pass down.
‘Fat talk’ is just as harmful as ‘diet talk’, continues Sanders, who founded social enterprise Re-shape to nurture positive body image in young people. “Fat talk is found in phrases like, ‘Oh I hate my arms, they are so big’, or ‘I couldn’t possibly wear a bathing suit to the beach, I’m as big as a whale’.
“The messaging ‘fat talk’ sends to children is: you shouldn’t love your body or enjoy yourself if you are in a bigger body,” she says. “When I was growing up, I was terrified of gaining weight, because I saw how the world treated those in a bigger body. This resulted in me developing disordered eating and a preoccupation with thinness.”
Charlotte Markey, a psychology professor who has a teen daughter, agrees that the type of language we use to talk about our bodies is vital – but admits when it comes to holding our tongues, it can be complicated.
This is because the way some of us were raised – ”with our mums dieting and commenting on being fat, maybe even other relatives commenting on their weight” – is not how we want to raise our kids, she tells HuffPost UK.
“While we may be thinking, ‘I can’t eat that dessert, my jeans are feeling too tight’, we don’t want to say any such thing in front of our kids,” she says.
“We don’t want [our children] to grow up with the worry and maladaptive approach to food and their bodies that many adults have. It’s normal for our jeans to feel snug one day and then not the next, because our weight fluctuates, and it’s even normal to gain weight with age – from our 20s through our 60s.”
When we discuss our weight in front of our kids, or mention avoiding certain foods, we’re sending a clear message that our weight is very important, says Markey, who wrote The Body Image Book For Girls.
“More important than celebrating someone’s birthday with cake,” she says. “More important than our health, and eating as much as we need to. Maybe more important than anything else! We definitely don’t want weight to be that central in our kids’ minds.”
So, what are some positive ways to talk to our kids about our bodies – and theirs – instead?
Sanders – who created a list of 10 alternative compliments to give to girls other than “you’re so pretty!” – maintains that diets don’t work for most people. But this doesn’t mean we can’t be healthy and nurture our bodies.
She suggests swapping fad dieting for new foods, experimenting with vegetarian recipes, integrating whole grains into your diet, and moving your body for pleasure, not punishment.
“The best way to talk about bodies is to talk about what they can do, rather than what they look like,” she adds. “We have so many reasons to be grateful for our amazing bodies and voicing those reasons is a proven way to nurture a positive body image.”
For example, you could say, ‘I’m so grateful for my strong arms that can lift you up and give you a cuddle’, or ‘I’m so grateful for my body that grew you inside it!’
Sanders adds: “Leading by example will improve your relationship with your body and role-model to your children healthy ways to relate to their bodies, too.”