Is there anything more divisive than telling other people’s kids off? Probably not.
One parent of a 17-month-old recently took to Reddit to ask whether they were in the wrong for doing just that.
The parent explained they were at soft play in the baby area when an older child of about four was in there too. “My son had two small balls in his hands,” they wrote. “The kid came up to him, took one from his hand and threw it. I stopped him but didn’t say anything when he tried taking the second.
“I gave my son the ball back. After a while the kid came up to my son again and tried, but I blocked his hand and said: ‘Either play nice or leave him alone, it’s rude to snatch from people.’ He got shook and left.”
The other child’s mum was nearby and saw what happened, according to the parent. “She asked me what I said and I told her. I also said: ‘Teach your son it’s rude to snatch from others, because I don’t tolerate that,’” they added.
Shots had been fired. “She said I shouldn’t be speaking to her son,” the parent continued in the post. “I then said I wouldn’t be speaking to him if he wasn’t bothering us, my son isn’t his age mate and he shouldn’t even be in this baby area. She just took her child and left after that.”
The post was shared on the ‘Am I The Asshole’ (AITA) thread, with the verdict from readers being the parent poster was not, in fact, the asshole.
They said it was the first time that they’d had to tell another person’s child off “because every other kid just plays nicely”.
“We do get a few kids that don’t know how to play nice but luckily their parents correct them,” they added.
So what do experts think? When HuffPost UK asked Holly Zoccolan, parenting expert and founder of The Carol App, whether it’s ever ok for parents to tell other people’s children off, she said: “Generally no, unless the child has done something to upset your child.”
Examples might be pushing them over, snatching a toy, or hitting them.
“Otherwise, in my opinion, I don’t believe it’s appropriate to intervene,” says Zoccolan. “Leave it to their parents as we all have varied approaches to discipline.”
If the parent has left the child in your care, for example, and the child has pushed your child over, then she suggests you could gently tell the child off, explaining why they have been told off and why their behaviour was wrong.
“But in a park or public situation, it’s best to leave the parent to discipline their own child,” she adds.
Laura Alba is a parent and mindset coach featured on Peanut Pro, a part of the Peanut app that provides access to experts who support women throughout motherhood.
The mum of three young children firmly believes the child’s parents should be the ones to discipline them “should they decide to do so”.
“However, if you notice a child misbehaving, you wouldn’t simply ignore it,” she adds. “There are ways in which you can address situations by kindly asking the child what is going on, asking if you can help them to do something different.”
The general consensus? There are diplomatic ways to intervene, should you choose to do so, rather than going in full-throttle and raising your voice at a random stranger’s child.
“My suggestion would be to say something to the child in front of their parent, for example: ‘we try not to snatch from friends in our house’ and ‘we encourage our child to share so snatching has upset them’,” says Zoccolan.
“If your child is upset by a certain situation, I think it’s absolutely ok and important to mention it at the time so that your child also understands that the behaviour that has been done to them is not to be encouraged or even repeated.”
If you, as a parent, notice someone else telling off your own child, experts agree it’s best to intervene and find out what has gone on, so you can look out for the behaviour again. All you need to do is ask something along the lines of: ‘Can you let me know what’s happened, so I’m aware?’
“Communication is key,” Zoccolan says and Alba agrees. “I would want to talk to the other parent to understand the situation and, in turn, manage it myself,” she says.